


Drowning

by Capsicle2013



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Breastfeeding, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Male Lactation, Mild Smut, Not Canon Compliant, Nursing, One Big Happy Family, Oral Sex, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Morgan Stark Friendship (Marvel Cinematic Universe), Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Postpartum Depression, Precious Morgan Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe), Protective Tony Stark, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Superfamily (Marvel), Superhusbands (Marvel), Supportive Avengers, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23440348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capsicle2013/pseuds/Capsicle2013
Summary: Steve hasn't been the same since they brought Morgan home.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 250
Kudos: 379





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here is another fic that has been in my head for a long time. It's probably only going to be a few chapters because I have others that need my attention haha. This one is angsty and I made sure to tag appropriately. This deals with depression, more of postpartum depression really. I haven't really come across a story where Steve deals with this, and I know in my stories I've never touched the subject before, so now I want to give it a shot. I'm loosely basing this off my own experiences, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone. I did tag! Well, here is the first chapter.

Steve hasn’t been the same since they brought Morgan home. The first week with their daughter had been an adjustment; it wasn’t easy caring for a newborn, but somehow they were making it work. Steve had been fine-tired, but fine nonetheless. In fact, there were times when he seemed more than fine. Tony got used to the sparkling smile that Steve wore whenever he was around their daughter.

It was a beautiful sight to witness Steve so happy when he was with Morgan. She had managed to awaken something inside him, something that Steve claimed died out years ago. That simple life he wanted was starting to become a reality.

There were times when Morgan became a handful. Getting her on a sleep schedule was one of the most difficult things. Tony was fine with the early morning feedings; it wasn’t like he got a full eight hours of sleep anyway, and if it meant letting Steve get some much needed rest, then he had no problem responding to Morgan’s shrill cries at two A.M.

But Steve was stubborn and insisted he take on more of the work. It was easy for him to argue against the idea, especially when he had done a good chunk of the work carrying Morgan for nine months and giving birth. Tony was all for sharing the responsibility, but there were times when he was content with taking Morgan for a little while to give Steve a break.

Those breaks he tried to give his husband never lasted very long. Morgan would get hungry and only Steve was able to fill that need. It was a special bonding time for them. Feeding her was Steve’s alone time with Morgan. At first, Steve had been happy to nurse, but little by little, that too changed.

Tony was ready to blame the shift in Steve’s character over the lack of sleep and other changes that came with a new baby. He was still recovering from the birth and it made sense that his body would be thrown out of whack. Tony just didn’t realize how thrown off it really was.

It’s early in the morning when Tony is woken up, and with a grumble he rolls over, expecting to find the person he’s lied next to for years, only to be met with cold sheets. Tony’s eyes shoot open and he sits up, frowning when it dawns on him that Steve wasn’t in bed with him.

He doesn’t want to get out of bed, but something is telling him to search for his husband. It’s easy to find him. There’s a sliver of light peeking out from Morgan’s room, but it’s the mixture of his daughter's cries and soft sniffs that leads Tony to where Steve is.

The sight that greets him is a completely different one than what he’s used to. He had been so accustomed to Steve feeding and comforting Morgan in the middle of the night, but something about this scene was all wrong. That smile Steve wore whenever Morgan locked her eyes with him was gone; instead he was crying, soft sniffs escaping him and shoulders shaking from the sobs he’s desperately trying to conceal.

Morgan is screaming at the top of her lungs, her face scrunched up and bright pink from her discomfort. Steve is desperately trying to calm her down, failing miserably when Morgan only grows more frustrated.

“Please?” Steve is quietly begging her; the sound breaks Tony’s heart. Tony intervenes, stepping into the room, offering a sympathetic smile when Steve notices him and glances up. “Sorry,” he’s quick to apologize. “She was hungry and...and...I-”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Tony assures. He remembers Steve struggling to get her to latch on the night before, and he curses to himself for not getting out of bed first. “You should have let me handle it.”

“Can’t exactly do this part,” Steve sniffs, then he’s directing his attention back to Morgan when she continues to cry. “Shh, it’s okay, baby,” he tries to soothe, but the tone is off; there’s nothing comforting about the way he says those words.

“Honey, let me try,” Tony suggests and much to his surprise, Steve passes her to him. Usually, Steve argued, deciding that he could do it and eventually he would, but right now he didn’t even want to try. Tony brushes it off, shifting his focus to his crying daughter. “What’s with all the fuss, Little Miss?”

At the sound of his voice, Morgan is calming down and her brown eyes are opening and locking with Tony’s identical ones. The room has fallen silent now that Tony has managed to get her content, but the soft sniffling sounds Steve makes still reach Tony’s ears.

“Steve, you okay?” Tony asks when he notices the tear rolling down his husband’s face. Steve nods and turns away quickly, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe the tears.

“Yeah...just tired. Haven’t slept well in a week.” It’s a response Tony has heard before, and he doesn’t question it. He’s been affected by Morgan’s presence, but nowhere near as close as Steve. He didn’t have to carry her for months and then suffer with the birth; Steve did all of those things, so the guy deserved to complain a little.

“Go back to sleep. I got her. Wait-did she eat at all?” Tony asks, sighing when Steve shakes his head. “It’s okay. Maybe you should try pumping in the morning. At least that way I can give her a bottle when you’re resting.”

“Yeah,” Steve nods. He lingers around a little longer, deciding to try nursing again now that both himself and Morgan are calm. With Tony’s help, he’s able to get Morgan to latch on. She gets her fill and Tony takes her back in his arms, ushering Steve out of the room before either one has another meltdown.

It’s easy to get Morgan back to sleep now that she's been fed and comforted. Tony waits beside her crib for a moment, eyes trained on the soft rise and fall of her chest. Once he’s sure she will stay asleep for hopefully a few hours, he leaves the room and makes his way back to the master bedroom.

Steve isn’t asleep, and Tony finds him curled around himself and staring blankly at the wall. Tony lets out a small sigh and crawls in beside him, wrapping his arms around him and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “Honey, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Tony asks, sensing that something other than sleep deprivation was affecting Steve.

“Nothing,” Steve responds. He refuses to turn around to face Tony, instead keeping his gaze locked on something ahead. “Just tired. Having a baby is...it’s hard.”

“I know. But I mean we kinda knew this. You don’t regret this do you?”

There’s a moment of hesitation before Steve is answering the question. “No.”

“Me either. I love that little girl more than-”

“Tony, I’m sorry but I need to sleep. She’ll be up in a couple hours.”

“Oh...yeah. Get some sleep, honey.” Tony keeps his arms wrapped around Steve, letting his hands fall to his middle. The muscles aren’t as firm as they used to be; the baby weight hasn’t been shed yet, not that Tony cares. Steve was perfect no matter what form he was in.

Steve squirms and reaches down to where Tony has placed his hands, taking them and forcing them away. “Don’t.”

“Steve-”

“Tony, please? Just don’t.”

“Okay.” Tony is forced to slide his arms off of Steve, something he hasn’t done in a long time. Steve was always allowing him to touch, even before Morgan was introduced to their lives. During the pregnancy, Steve actually encouraged Tony to feel how his body was changing. Now he was pushing him away. It hurt.

“I love you,” Tony says into the darkness. There’s no response. And that hurts more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't forget about this story! I've just been busy with work and other parts of my life. And I've also had more inspiration for my other works lately. But I will find some balance! I hope everyone is doing well!

Morgan is up two hours later. Tony hears her first and his eyes shoot open, immediately landing on the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand beside him. He rolls over, preparing himself to wake up and attend to his fussy baby.

“I got it,” he hears Steve say in the darkness, followed by the bed shifting on his side. Tony blindly reaches out to stop him, but he’s not fast enough and he can already hear the soft sounds of Steve’s feet against the floor.

“If you need help-” Tony starts, only to sigh when he realizes Steve has already left the room. “Dammit,” he curses to himself and scrubs a hand along his face.

His ears are perked, waiting for any indication that Steve does in fact need help. But when all he hears is silence, he assumes Morgan had been easier to handle this time around. It’s tempting to go back to sleep now that Steve is taking care of the baby, but he finds himself feeling guilty for even considering that. Steve was the one lacking the most sleep, and it was only right that Tony care for Morgan.

The scene that greets him is a completely different one from the one he saw playing out just a few hours ago. Steve is seated in the rocking chair with their daughter in his arms, this time more calm and collected than before. Tony steps further into the room, his presence capturing Steve’s attention and he glances up, offering Tony a tired smile. It’s the first smile he’s worn in days.

“How is she?” Tony asks when he notices how content Morgan is in Steve’s arms. “Not fussy anymore?”

“No,” Steve replies with a shake of his head. “She just fell asleep.”

“I got her.” Tony comes closer and Steve passes their sleeping baby to him. She squirms, soft whimpers leaving her pouty lips when she’s disturbed. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” Tony coos, and he brings her over to the crib, gently laying her down.

“You can go back to bed,” Steve says when Tony refuses to leave their daughter’s side.

“We both can,” Tony turns back to his husband. “You need to sleep, too.”

“Tony, she’ll-”

“I can get her when she wakes up again. Now come back to bed, honey.”

Steve doesn’t protest this time and he allows Tony to lead him back to their bedroom. The moment Steve’s head hits the pillow, he’s drifting off to sleep. Tony curls up beside him, making sure this time to wait for Steve’s permission to touch him. He’s granted that consent and he smiles.

“I love you,” Tony takes another shot at saying those three words.

“I love you, too,” Steve whispers.

Satisfied with Steve’s response, Tony is able to fall asleep, positive that everything between them was going to be okay.

By some miracle Morgan doesn’t wake up exactly two hours later. The sun is just starting to rise when her small whimpers come through the monitor. Steve is up first, already out of bed and shuffling out of the bedroom to get to their daughter before her cries rise in volume. There was no point in going back to sleep after that, and Tony gets up, letting out a yawn and stretching before he follows his husband.

One glance in the nursery shows a peaceful scene, and knowing that Morgan and Steve were okay, Tony leaves them alone to set up coffee. It’s a few minutes later when Steve is entering the room with their daughter in his arms. Tony sends a small smile his way when their eyes meet, only for it to be replaced with a frown when Steve doesn’t smile back.

“You okay?” Tony asks, turning away for a moment to take two mugs out of the cabinet and fills them. He peers up just in time to notice the way Steve’s eyes shine with tears.

“Fine,” Steve replies, his voice is still thick from sleep, but there’s something else about his tone that worries Tony.

“Honey-”

“Just tired. She woke up a lot last night.”

“I know.” Tony nods and takes a sip from his mug, sighing softly when his body gets a dose of caffeine. “We’ll eventually get her on a schedule,” he says.

“Yeah.” Steve’s tone is still off and his eyes grow misty again. He turns away when Morgan stirs in his arms, and it’s not long until she’s growing fussy.

“I’ll trade you,” Tony makes a quick gesture to the mug of coffee he had prepared for his husband.

“I can’t drink that,” Steve says bitterly.

“Oh shit.” Tony winces. He had forgotten that Steve’s caffeine intake was limited now. “I’ll still trade you.”

Steve doesn’t hesitate to make the trade, and once Morgan is passed off to Tony, he disappears to the living room.

It’s difficult to attend to a fussy baby with only having just one sip of coffee, but Tony manages. It’s easy to forget about his exhaustion once she’s in his arms and staring up at him. Her eyes are still that dark blue that all babies are born with, and Tony hopes they only get lighter. Her dark hair was something she inherited from him, but he wanted her eyes to resemble those of his husband’s. Steve wasn’t convinced, and was positive she was going to have brown eyes.

“Do you still think she’ll have my eyes?” Tony asks, coming out of the kitchen to join Steve in the living room. He lowers himself down on the couch near Steve, and gently adjusts Morgan in his arms, smiling brightly when she locks eyes with him again. “Honey?” Tony glances up in Steve’s direction when he doesn’t receive a response.

“Maybe,” Steve finally gives a response.

Tony frowns at the sound of his tone. The day their daughter was born, Steve had been gushing over her. Tony remembers how excited he had been when he brought up the possibility of Morgan’s eyes matching Tony’s. When they first discovered they were expecting, Steve had been hoping for their child to take after Tony.

Now...Tony wasn’t sure what was going on inside his husband’s head, and if he was still truly excited about their daughter.

“Steve, what’s wrong?” Tony asks, immediately regretting asking the question when Steve’s expression hardens. The way his jaw clenches is just one of the signs indicating that he was getting agitated.

“Nothing,” Steve snaps. “Why does something always have to be wrong?”

“You just seem-”

“Seem what? I’m exhausted, Tony. So excuse me for not being more cheerful this morning.”

“Okay. I get that.”

“Do you? I don’t remember you losing out on sleep.”

Tony inhales sharply. He needs to walk away before their fight gets worse, but with Morgan nestled in his arms, getting up and away from the fight is difficult. He keeps his attention on her instead, gently brushing his thumb along her cheek in a way to calm himself down.

“I did get up to help,” Tony says, making sure to keep any irritation out of his tone. “You kept getting up before I did and when I did ask if you needed help-”

Steve lets out a sigh and leans back against the couch, digging the heels of his hands in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you tried. God, Tony I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize. I can get up more, I promise. And if I don’t wake up just throw me out of bed or something,” Tony jokes. This was usually the part where Steve laughs, but he doesn’t even crack a grin. Steve appears calmer, though, so Tony wasn’t about to complain over the fact that his husband didn’t laugh over one of his lame jokes.

Steve scoots closer until he’s pressed up against Tony’s side, and he reaches out to gently brush his fingers along Morgan’s face. For a moment, Tony believes Steve is okay, but his calm demeanor disappears faster than it arrived. He curses all of a sudden and moves away, startling Tony.

“What?” Tony asks, brows furrowed in confusion. He wonders what he did this time. It’s then he realizes the wet stains along the front of Steve’s t-shirt. “Are you leaking?”

“Yes,” Steve snaps and he rises to his feet, grumbling in frustration when the wet spots continue to grow. “Jesus. I just changed.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Maybe you just need to pump.”

Those were definitely the wrong words to say.

“Oh my god,” Steve groans. “I don’t need to do that!”

The outburst is surprising and leaves Tony confused. They’ve had conversations in the past about Steve pumping. It had just been an idea, and at the time Steve had seemed to consider it. Now, though, Tony was learning that he had been wrong.

“Hey, calm down. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just thought-”

“You thought what! That you would take that away? You know that’s our time together. You know feeding her was my thing, Tony! Mine!”

“Okay, okay. Relax. My intentions were not meant to steal that away from you. I know that’s your time to bond. I just wanted to help.”

“I don’t need your help,” Steve says stubbornly. Tony sighs harshly. He knew how difficult his husband could be and in the past it was his stubbornness that led to some pretty nasty fights, but he was sure after their daughter’s birth that he would tone it down.

Tony sighs. “If I can feed her then you can get some sleep. That’s all I was trying to gain from this. I want to help.”

Steve’s expression softens and his eyes grow misty again. He glances down, taking a shaky breath to calm himself before connecting his eyes with Tony again. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I know you’re trying to help. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I just haven’t slept good in days and all I want to do is sleep and take a damn shower.”

“Then go do that.”

“Morgan-”

“Is fine,” Tony assures. “She can hang out with me while you shower and rest.”

“Are you sure?” Steve appears wary, not that Tony blames him. It was difficult at times to take care of Morgan, especially when both of them were running on very little sleep. But Tony was confident he could manage just fine.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay. I won’t take long-”

“Take as long as you need.”

Steve nods his head, then he’s leaving the room. Tony lets out a sigh and directs his attention back to his daughter. She is still sleeping peacefully in his arms, and for a moment Tony wonders if she will behave for him.

For the most part she does. The only time Morgan makes any signs of discomfort is when Tony shifts his arm. It’s easy to calm her down and soon she’s drifting back off to sleep.

“Why can’t you sleep like this at night?” Tony questions. “You’re keeping your papa up.”

Morgan’s eyes flutter open at the sound of his voice and lets out a yawn. Tony chuckles and reaches for one of her hands, gently brushing his fingers along her smaller ones. Morgan is wide awake now.

“Hi, Maguna,” Tony croons and he brings her closer so that he can press a kiss to her head.

The way she acts around him is noticeably different than when Steve has her, and Tony can’t help but frown at that realization. She doesn’t fuss or cry, and instead she’s completely content nestled in Tony’s arms. An idea enters his mind and he quickly forces it out, not believing for even a second it’s because Steve doesn’t love her.

Of course Steve does. Tony witnessed his husband’s excitement and happiness throughout the pregnancy. From the moment they found out they were expecting until the day she was born and in Steve’s arms, Steve was always overjoyed.

That inner voice is quick to remind Tony that the Steve that came home from the hospital was a completely different person. Tony doesn’t listen. Steve was just tired, that was all. He went through so much to bring Morgan into the world, something Tony couldn’t relate to.

Morgan snaps him from his thoughts when she squirms in his arms and once glance down shows her face contorting in distress. Tony waits for the crying to start, but when she relaxes and drifts off to sleep, he can’t help but sigh in relief. His goal right now was to keep her content so that his husband could get a few hours of rest.

Tony watches her while she sleeps, smiling softly and heart bursting with love for her. He never knew he could love something so much. The fears and doubts he had no longer existed when she was curled up in his arms.

“I love you, sweetheart,” he whispers, bringing her up again to give her another kiss.

It’s tempting to put her to bed and he gets some sleep, but he’s capable of running on just a few hours of it. He doesn’t disturb her when he gets up to retrieve his tablet, and she remains asleep while he works. It’s difficult to work with only one hand, but he manages.

Morgan is up a few hours later, just like Tony knew she would be. He sets aside his tablet, giving his full attention to his daughter. She fusses and squirms in his arms, her bottom lip jutting out and eyes squeezing shut.

“Shh,” Tony shushes her and gently runs a finger along her cheek. She turns toward his touch, mouth open and closing, trying to suck his finger. Tony understands why she’s so upset. “You’re hungry, huh?”

He gets his answer when she begins to cry. Tony lets out a heavy sigh, hating the fact that he had to wake up his tired husband. It was times like this when he wishes he could bottle feed her.

“Your Papa isn’t gonna be happy that we’re waking him up,” Tony sighs. Morgan continues to voice her hunger, leaving Tony no choice but to wake Steve up. “He’ll understand. You’re the one asking for food, not me.”

Steve is fast asleep when Tony pushes open the door to their room, making him feel worse about having to disturb him. Morgan is still crying, the sounds she produces stirring Steve from his peaceful sleep.

“Steve?” Tony comes closer until he’s standing near Steve’s side. “Honey, she’s hungry. Steve-”

“Alright!” Steve snaps, throwing the blankets off in frustration and sitting up. “Give her to me.”

Tony is hesitant to pass over their daughter, which only angers Steve more.

“Dammit, Tony-”

“You need to calm down. It’s not her fault-”

“Give her to me.” Steve holds his arms out impatiently.

Morgan’s cries have gotten louder, more urgent. Tony’s not sure if it’s because she can sense that she’s so close to getting her fill, or she’s picking up on Steve’s irritation. Maybe it’s both.

Tony gently places her in Steve’s arms, standing awkwardly while Steve struggles to get her in a comfortable position to latch on. She’s not having any of it, only growing more agitated with each attempt Steve makes. The shift in her attitude is doing nothing for Steve’s.

“Honey,” Tony says cautiously, coming closer to try and help. Steve refuses to look up at him, instead keeping his head cast down and eyes locked on Morgan. “Steve-”

“I’m fine.” Steve’s answer isn’t reassuring. His tone is still bitter and tight. “All I wanted to do was sleep and I can’t even do that.”

“She was hungry. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like you were going to take my suggestion and pump.”

At those words, Steve is snapping his head up in Tony’s direction, his jaw clenching. If he wants to say something, he decides against it and directs his attention back to Morgan. He finally has her latching on and it’s not long before she’s greedily taking her fill. The room is silent, all except for the suckling sounds Morgan produces while she eats.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Tony says, lowering himself on the bed near Steve’s feet. “Once she’s done then you can go back to sleep.”

“Forget it,” Steve mutters, choosing again not to look Tony in the eye. “Can you just go?”

Tony is ready to protest, but he decides against it, not wanting to upset his husband anymore. He gets up and leaves the room, slowly pulling the door closed. He pauses before it shuts completely, his ears filling with soft sniffles. He peers through the crack of the door, his heart breaking at the sight of Steve crying.

His first instinct is to rush over and comfort him, but he finds himself unable to move. He wonders if Steve would even let him console him. Probably not.

He no longer blames Steve’s stubbornness or lack of sleep for his new behavior. Something was wrong, and he was going to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Steve. I swear he loves Morgan and doesn't hate her. He's just dealing with a lot right now. I will be showing some of his perspective in the next few chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to update this one. I got stuck and wasn't sure what to do, but I'm starting to plan it out and will hopefully have this one updated frequently. Thank you for being so patient with me!

The team is gathered in the communal living area, filling the space with laughter and an array of conversations. For once, they’re not needed on any assignments. They’re able to spend the morning together as a team; as a family.

Tony can’t remember the last time they’ve all been gathered like this. He thinks maybe it was back for Steve’s baby shower, but even that was some time ago. He enjoys being around his friends, but it’s not the same when someone special was missing.

Steve claimed he wasn’t hungry and made the decision to stay back in their apartment. Tony didn’t question it at first, figuring his husband just wanted some time to sleep in. Morgan had been fussy again and though Tony made more attempts to get up and help, he found he wasn’t as helpful as he intended to be. He could change diapers and rock her back to sleep, but Steve was still doing all the feedings, and most times Morgan refused to latch on.

Tony felt helpless whenever that happened. He had made the mistake of trying to help position her, only to have Steve get upset and bite his head off. Tony made sure to give his husband space whenever it was time to feed Morgan, not wanting to be in the way as Steve liked to call it.

Tony didn’t understand where Steve’s new attitude had come from. It was like one day Steve woke up and changed. He hadn’t been like this before the baby, and Tony wonders what went wrong since then.

He’s snapped from his thoughts when Morgan whimpers in his arms. One glance down shows her tiny features contorting into distress. Tony hopes she’s not hungry again. The last thing he wants to do is go back upstairs and wake his husband.

“Is she awake?” Natasha asks, coming over to join Tony on the sofa. She smiles at her niece when she finds her stirring. “Aww, baby girl what’s wrong?” Natasha coos, stretching out one finger to stroke along Morgan’s face.

“I don’t think she’s hungry,” Tony says. “She just ate not even an hour ago.”

Natasha hums and continues to coax the newborn into calmness. “Can I hold her? Maybe she’s tired of you.”

Tony rolls his eyes but doesn’t pass up the chance to get a break. God, he feels like an asshole for wanting one when Steve was in dire need of a break. He reminds himself that Steve was currently getting one and that maybe it was his turn for once. He hadn’t had a chance to get any coffee yet and his body was demanding the caffeine.

He serves himself a cup and returns back to the couch, carefully lowering himself down beside Natasha. She’s managed to calm Morgan down and his daughter is no longer fussy, instead her eyes are wide open and trained on Natasha’s smiling face.

“Maybe you should babysit,” Tony suggests, and he takes a sip from the mug, a content sigh leaving his lips from the comforting taste. “You always get her like this.”

“I told you I don’t mind,” Natasha says. “You look like you could use a break.”

“You have no idea. I mean I love her to death but...it’s a lot. I think if you’re handing out breaks then give one to Steve first.”

Natasha frowns. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired I guess. He’s...different? I don’t know how else to explain it.” Tony sighs.

“Tony, he’s going through a lot. He just had a baby. You can’t expect him to bounce right back.”

“I’m not expecting anything but...forget it.”

“Talk to me. Obviously you’re worried about him.”

“He’s not the same. He’s not...it’s like he’s not even happy that she’s here. Before she was born he had been excited, and now...now it’s like he doesn’t even care.”

“I wouldn’t say he doesn’t care. He loves her-”

“No, I know he does but…” Tony sighs harshly. “Never mind. You’d have to see it for yourself.”

The sound of the elevator arriving captures their attention and they both look up right as the doors open and Steve steps out. He looks refreshed from a shower, and for a moment Tony wonders if this would be the day Steve acted like himself.

Their eyes meet for a second before Steve’s gaze falls on their daughter still nestled in Natasha’s arms. Tony expects Steve to smile and come over to swoop their daughter up and coo over her, but instead he does the opposite and heads toward the kitchen.

Tony turns in his seat to watch Steve serve himself a glass of juice and grab a muffin while he chats with Bucky. Steve is nodding along to whatever Bucky is telling him, but the reaction isn’t what it normally is whenever he’s around his best friend. Steve seems distant, uninterested in whatever Bucky is saying.

It was odd.  
  
Steve eventually comes over and Tony smiles at him. “Morning, beautiful,” he greets, patting the spot beside him for Steve to take.

“Morning,” Steve mumbles and sits down. His eyes shift to Morgan when she grows fussy in Natasha’s arms and he sighs loudly. “I’ll take her,” he says and sets down his breakfast.

“No, you eat,” Natasha tells him and she adjusts Morgan in her arms. “I got it, Steve.”

Steve doesn’t even protest and he takes the muffin back into his hand, only to not eat it. He picks at the top before deciding it must not be appetizing and he sets it back down on the table.

Tony frowns. “Honey, you need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” Steve says and he leans back in his seat, his eyes falling shut.

Tony turns to Natasha, mouthing ‘see’

Natasha nods and intervenes. “Steve, you okay?” she asks.

Steve lifts his head to peer in her direction and he gives a nod in response. “Fine. Just tired.”

Tony has to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He’s lost count of how many times he’s heard that response. It was obvious Steve was more than just tired.

Natasha smiles sympathetically. “I know. Don’t worry. It gets easier.”

Steve scoffs. “I hope so. I don’t think I can take anymore of this.”

“Hon-”

“I’m fine, Tony. Don’t.”

Tony doesn’t push, not wanting to start a fight in front of their teammates. Natasha must sense the tension between them and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Morgan is growing fussy again and before Tony can take her back, Natasha offers to calm her down and she gets up from the couch to take Morgan for a little walk.

The atmosphere in the space has changed. Everyone else is still going about their morning and continuing their conversations, but Tony notices the way they send worried glances Steve’s way. Steve doesn’t notice, or if he does, he ignores them and goes back to picking at the muffin.

Bruce frowns at Tony and gestures with his head to follow him when he gets up from the couch. Tony nods and rises to his feet, muttering to Steve something about getting more coffee. Steve ignores him.

“Is he okay?” Bruce asks once they’re in the kitchen and out of earshot.

“You see it, too? I thought it was just me,” Tony says followed by a sigh. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

“He seems depressed.”

“Depressed? How?” Tony directs his attention to his husband, brows drawing together in confusion. Steve is currently having a conversation with both Sam and Bucky, and Tony was sure there was a hint of a smile on Steve’s face. “He doesn’t seem-”

“Tony,” Bruce says, the tone of his voice bringing Tony’s attention back to him in an instant. “He’s not eating, and I heard you telling Natasha that he doesn’t care about-.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. He just…he’s tired.” Tony frowns at his own words. Here he was using the same excuse Steve loved to use on him. “I mean...come on, he can’t be. Right?”

Bruce shrugs in response. “I’d suggest you talk to him. Something isn’t right.”

“He seems okay now.”

“Yeah right now, but what about later?”

Tony sighs. “Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to him.”

The opportunity to talk to Steve doesn’t present itself. Natasha is coming over with a screaming Morgan in her arms. Tony is ready to take his daughter back and calm her down, but at the sounds of her cries, Steve is already out of his seat and rushing to get her.

“Steve, I-” Tony tries to say, only for Steve to cut him off abruptly.

“I got her.” Steve takes Morgan into his arms and turns to leave.

He disappears into the elevator and the room is left in a heavy silence. Tony can feel the eyes of his teammates on him, and turning toward them he’s greeted with worried and confused faces.

“He’s okay,” Tony tells them. He knows they don’t believe him. How could they when he doesn’t even believe his own words?

They don’t say anything, and even if they did, Tony doesn’t stick around to hear it. He needs to be with Steve.

Morgan is still crying when Tony steps through the front door of the apartment. Her cries have gotten louder, more painful to hear.

“Honey!” Tony calls out, only to be greeted with silence. He sighs and moves through the apartment, following the cries of his daughter.

He’s led to the nursery, and there he finds his daughter and husband. Morgan is in her crib, her face red and scrunched in displeasure, kicking her little legs and flailing her arms. Steve is sitting beside her crib with his head buried in his hands, his body shaking with each sob that escapes him.

There’s an urge to rush toward him, but Morgan needs attention first and Tony moves to pick her up. He shushes her and rocks her soothingly. It takes a few minutes to get her calm, but eventually her cries are dying down and she grows quiet.

“Hey, Maguna,” Tony talks to her in a soft voice, smiling down at her when she opens her eyes and connects them with his. “You’re okay, sweetheart. Daddy’s here.”

Beside him, a choked sob can be heard and Tony’s head snaps in the direction of his husband. Steve has his head resting against the wall, finally giving Tony a view of his tear streaked face.

Tony turns back to his daughter, making sure she’s calm enough before gently placing her back in her crib. She doesn’t stir or fuss and Tony feels he’s able to walk away to give his husband attention. 

He lowers himself down beside Steve and reaches for his hand, doing his best not to take offense when Steve moves it away from him.

“Honey-”

“I’m fine.”

Tony sighs. “Steve, you’re not fine. Talk to me. Please?”

Steve sniffs and glances down at his lap, hiding the tears from Tony. But Tony knows they’re there and he reaches for Steve’s hand again. This time Steve doesn’t pull away.

“I’m sorry.” It’s barely above a whisper, but Tony picks up on the two words. Steve lifts his head and turns toward Tony, his once vibrant blue eyes lack their shine. Tony has never seen them so dull.

Tony pulls him close, bringing Steve’s head down against his chest and he threads his fingers through his hair. “You’re not fine, are you? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know. Tony, I don’t know.” Steve sobs, clinging to Tony tightly.

“Shh. It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I don’t...Tony, I don’t...I’m so sorry.”

“It’s gonna be okay. I’m here. Just let me in. Let me help you.”

Steve nods and buries his face in Tony’s chest, muffling his sobs and staining Tony’s shirt with his tears. Tony holds him close, soothing him with soft touches and comforting words. They don’t talk much after that. Tony knows Steve will open up to him when he’s ready. He just hopes that’s soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise these two are going to talk and Tony can get Steve some help. The team is going to help and be supportive as well. They're not going to let their friend suffer. I have a question: Do you guys like how everything is shown through Tony's eyes or would you like to see some of Steve's perspective? Let me know. Thank you so much for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for being so patient with me! I've been struggling with a lot of my stories lately, but I'm starting to get ideas for them now and this one I really want to finish. There's not too many fics with this kind of subject. At least I haven't come across very many. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

The bed is cold when Tony wakes, a surge of panic rushing through him when he realizes that Steve isn’t lying beside him. Tony is out of bed in seconds, rushing down the hall and straight for the nursery. One glance inside the room shows Morgan in her crib peacefully sleeping. A sigh of relief escapes him.

Steve was nowhere in sight, but any questions regarding his absence is quickly answered when Tony gets a whiff of freshly brewed coffee. He makes his way toward the kitchen, mentally preparing himself for what scene he’s going to walk into today. To his surprise and amazement, Steve is lounging on the sofa, quietly reading the paper.

Tony is still hesitant, and with cautious steps he joins his husband. Steve glances up, offering a small smile. It’s the first smile Tony has seen in days.

“Morning,” Steve greets, scooting over slightly to make room for Tony. “I made coffee.”

“Yeah.” Tony nods and he takes the spot beside Steve. “Thanks. How are you feeling?”

Steve gives a shrug in response. “Fine I guess.”

Tony wants to talk about yesterday, but he holds off. The last thing he wants to do is push for a conversation Steve might not be willing to have at the moment.

“Did she wake up early?” Tony asks instead. The dark circles under Steve’s eyes have yet to fade, and it seems every day they’re getting more prominent.

“Yeah,” Steve replies with a yawn and he sets the paper down to stretch. “I think around 4. I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

“You should’ve woken me up. I told you I’m here to help.”

“I know. But you’re tired too.”

“I don’t care,” Tony says and he lays a hand over Steve’s thigh, gently rubbing circles over the area. “Honey, this is a partnership. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do everything on your own.”

Steve nods and he places his hand over Tony’s. There’s a hint of a smile on his lips when Tony takes his hand and squeezes it. With Steve in a better mood, Tony decides to take the plunge and ask Steve about yesterday.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Steve tenses and he tries to move his hand away, only for Tony to chase after it and interlace their fingers. “Honey, I want to help you. Talk to me. Please?”

“I don’t know if I can make you understand,” Steve says, his voice quiet and soft. He forces himself to meet Tony’s eyes, showing off the tears that have formed in his own.

“Try me.

Steve takes a deep breath and blows it out. His free hand clenches and unclenches; Tony has never seen him so nervous.

“I don’t know how to really explain. I just know I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

“Are you happy?”

There’s a moment of hesitation before Steve answers with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry,” Steve whispers. Those tears in his eyes escape and roll down his face. “I’m trying to be.”

Tony nods. He had another question ready, but he’s afraid to ask it. He’s afraid to know the answer.

“And it’s not because of her,” Steve says. He answers the question Tony had been wanting to ask. “I swear I’m happy we have her. I just...God, Tony I don’t know how to explain it. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. And I know you’re happy about her. Do you know why?” Tony asks and when Steve shakes his head, Tony continues, “because you told me. Remember all the times you were excited about her? When we first found out; when you first felt her move; when you first held her. I know you’re happy to have her.”

“Then...then how come I don’t feel it? How come there are days when I wish...when I wish I wasn’t-Tony, I can’t do this. I’m a horrible parent and she knows it and-”

“Hey, hey.” Tony is quick to pull Steve close. “You’re not a bad parent. You’re just dealing with a lot right now. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Steve nods and rests his head on Tony’s shoulder. “I hope so. I’m tired of feeling like this. I want things to go back to normal.”

“They will.”

“When?”

Tony grows silent. He honestly doesn’t know when their lives will find a sense of normalcy. Morgan had changed a lot. Tony doesn’t regret her and the way she altered everything. And he knows deep down Steve feels the same way.

“Soon,” Tony finally supplies an answer. It’s not one he’s thrilled about giving, wishing he could make soon happen now. It was obvious Steve was hurting.

Then an idea comes to mind. It was worth a shot.

“How about we do something? Just the two of us?”

Steve pulls away to glance up at him, his brows drawing together in confusion. “The two of us?” He repeats. “Tony, we have a baby now.”

“I know, but we haven’t had any time together since she was born, and it’s obvious you need a break.”

“She’s too young and who’s going to watch her for us?”

“Nat did say she’s available if we ever need it.”

Steve lets out a heavy sigh. He’s torn, that much Tony can tell, and honestly he doesn’t blame him. He’s a little hesitant to leave their baby for a few hours, but seeing Steve suffering was affecting him too and he wanted Steve to be happy again. A couple hours wouldn’t hurt.

“It wouldn’t be for very long. Just a couple of hours,” Tony says.

“Tony, I don’t know. She’s...I don’t know if I can leave her yet.”

“But you need to think about yourself, sweetheart. Maybe this is what you need. A break, and I mean a _real_ break. You’re tired and overwhelmed. This would be good for you.”

“Just for a couple of hours?”

“That’s it.”

Steve gives in. “Okay.”

Tony smiles and takes Steve’s hand again, bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. “I’ll pick you up at 6.”

There’s a hint of a smile on Steve’s lips, but it never completely forms, and instead Steve is sighing and pulling his hand away. Tony is confused at first, then he hears Morgan.

“I got her,” Tony says when Steve makes an attempt to get up.

Morgan is still fussing when Tony returns. The cries she produces are always different, and little by little he’s beginning to understand what each one means. There were days when he had no idea what his daughter really wanted. But this cry he knew by heart.

“She’s hungry.”

Steve nods. He knows the cry, too. But instead of asking for her, he surprises Tony by saying, “There’s a bottle in the fridge. I’ll warm it.”

“Wait, a bottle? Did you-”

“Yeah. I thought about it and you were right. You weren’t trying to take anything away from me; you’re just trying to help, and I was just being stubborn.”

“Now you can have a break.”

Steve sighs and rises to his feet. “You’re giving me a lot of breaks.”

“Because you deserve them,” Tony says, “and I’m gonna give you another. I can feed her and you go back to bed.”

“Tony-”

“I mean it. Go back to bed, honey. I got her.”

Steve appears hesitant at first, then he’s giving in and taking the opportunity to sleep for a while. He warms the bottle and gives it to Tony, then he disappears to the bedroom.

“It’s good, huh?” Tony tells his daughter, chuckling when she reaches out for the bottle. “You know what else is good? Coffee. I guess I should’ve got some before this, but you come first. You’ll always come first.”

Morgan peers up at him, drawn to the familiar voice. She keeps her eyes trained on his face while he talks to her.

“You’re gonna hang out with your auntie Nat. Sound good?”

Morgan keeps nursing from the bottle, completely unaware of the words being spoken to her. She’s calm, though, something Tony is thankful for. He doesn’t want to interrupt Steve again.

After Morgan has had her fill and she’s burped, it’s not surprising to find her yawning and eyes fluttering shut. Tony is careful when he takes her back to her crib, hoping she remains asleep.

With her down, he decides to reach out to Natasha, only to find out that she wasn’t available to babysit.

“I didn’t even know there was a potential mission,” Tony can’t help the irritation that seeps into his tone when he talks to her over the phone. Natasha sighs on the other end. He knows she’s going to apologize.

“I’m sorry, Tony.” And there it is. Tony can’t stay upset with her. It wasn’t her fault.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure something out. I always do.”

“I’m really sorry. Trust me I’d rather watch her than do this but the team’s really short without you two.”

“I know. Seriously, don’t worry. I’ll deal with it.”

The call ends, and with a huff, Tony scrubs a hand along his face. He wasn’t going to give up, not when he had a chance of making Steve feel like himself again. It would be easy to hire someone else to watch Morgan; he had the resources to do a proper background check to insure he hired the best, but that would be too time consuming.

Then an idea comes to mind. He ponders it for a moment, a part of him torn but the other half urging him to make another phone call.

“I hope Steve doesn’t mind,” Tony mutters to himself before making the call.

* * *

Morgan is in a fairly good mood when Tony gets her ready. She didn’t fuss when he gave her a warm bath, or when he dressed her in one of the cute outfits Natasha had given them.

“Why are you this good for me, hmm?” Tony talks softly to her while he finishes dressing her.

He takes her out of the nursery and toward the master bedroom. Steve is already out of the shower and sitting on the edge of the bed, still dressed in his pajamas and surrounded by the clothes he’s picked out for the evening.

“Hey,” Tony greets when he enters the room, shooting his husband a smile. “She’s ready to go.”

“That makes one of us,” Steve huffs and glances down at the clothes beside him.

“Don’t worry,” Tony assures and he comes over to join Steve on the bed. “Our date isn’t till 6.”

Steve nods and gestures for Morgan when she starts to whimper. “I think she’s hungry again. I can feed her before Nat comes.”

Tony winces. He forgot to mention to his husband the change in that plan. “Actually she’s not coming.”

Steve snaps his head up at Tony. “What do you mean? She said she would babysit, right?”

“Yes...but I guess there’s some mission.”

“Shit. Bucky did say something about that. I didn’t think they were going right away.”

“Guess they are. But don’t worry. I found someone else.”

“Who?”

“Boss,” FRIDAY chimes in. “Mr. Parker has arrived.”

Steve frowns at Tony. “You got Peter?”

“Hey! He was the only one available.”

“He’s a kid!”

“He’s a small grownup. Trust me he’s mature enough. If I can trust him with my life then I trust him with Morgan’s. It’s just for a couple of hours, remember?”

Steve huffs. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Don’t worry,” Tony assures and he leans over to press a kiss to Steve’s head.

Tony has never seen Peter so nervous. He knew the kid could be a ball of nervous energy on occasion. Honestly, Peter was just a ball of energy in general. But Tony has never seen him like this. It makes him a bit nervous.

“Stop fidgeting,” Tony tells him when he catches Peter toying with the sleeve of his hoodie. “You’re gonna make me start doubting you and I just told Steve I trusted you with my life.”

Peter pales at those words. “You trust me with your life?” He squeaks in surprise.

“Yes.” Tony rolls his eyes and throws an arm over Peter’s shoulder, leading him further into the apartment. “Can you handle this, kiddo?”

“Um...yes?”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“It’s just...Mr. Stark, I’ve never babysat a baby before. Like a baby baby. She’s so tiny and-”

“She’s fine. She literally does nothing but sleep and poop all day.”

Peter makes a face. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry.” Tony pats Peter on the shoulder in an attempt of reassurance. “If you can fend off thugs and save cats from trees then you can watch my daughter.”

Peter gulps. “That doesn't make me feel better.”

“Relax. I trust you. Make yourself comfortable. Steve’s almost ready then we’ll be heading out.”

“O-okay,” Peter stammers and glances around the large living room before gingerly lowering himself down on the expensive sofa. He wipes his palms over his jeans a couple of times before fiddling with his fingers again.

Tony blows out a breath and forces himself to ignore the nervous behavior. It was too late to call for anyone else. Peter would have to do it.

“Honey?” Tony calls out when he enters the bedroom again. Steve has just finished nursing Morgan and he’s in the middle of burping her. She squirms in his lap, clearly not fond of the position he has her in. “You got it?” Tony asks, coming closer to step in and help.

“Could you take over? I need to get dressed,” Steve says.

“No problem.” Tony takes Morgan into his arms and switches places with Steve. “Don’t make a mess of daddy’s suit, sweetheart.”

Steve rushes to grab the burping cloth when more than just air escapes Morgan’s mouth. Tony doesn’t even care that a bit gets on his hand. He knew babies were messy, and honestly he loved being this hands on. He loved being a dad.

“There we go. All better.” Tony tells her while he gently wipes around her mouth. He glances up at Steve. “You gonna get ready?”

“Huh? Yeah, I guess.”

Tony can’t help but frown at his husband’s tone. Steve is still eyeing the clothes he’s laid out, almost as if he’s contemplating other options. He picks up the shirt and studies it for a moment before placing it back down with a sigh.

“Maybe we should stay in.”

“What? You don’t want to go?”

“I don’t know. I just...I’m not very comfortable with…”

Tony knows what he’s referring to. The baby weight had yet to be shed completely. It was barely noticeable, but Steve noticed and obviously hated the leftover weight in his middle.

“Steve,” Tony says his name softly and Steve peers up at him. “You’re beautiful.”

Steve scoffs and shakes his head. One hand falls to his belly, and a frown appears over his face. “Not really.”

“Yes, you are. You’ve always been beautiful. How you look now doesn't matter to me or anyone else. I wish it wouldn’t matter to you.”

“Try having a baby and get back to me.” Steve’s tone is bitter and tight. The last thing Tony intended was to anger him and start an argument.

“If you don’t want to go…”

“Too late isn’t it?” Steve snatches his clothes and retreats to the connecting bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Tony lets out a sigh. He knew the drastic changes to Steve’s body was an adjustment, and maybe he’d understand more if he had been in Steve’s shoes. In his eyes Steve still looked beautiful, probably the most beautiful he’s ever been. But Steve didn’t see it.

With Steve busy getting ready, Tony leaves the room with Morgan, deciding giving his husband some space was a good idea. They were so close to enjoying a nice night out together. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin it.

Peter is still sitting on the sofa when Tony returns, and he jumps up, a smile forming over his face at the sight of Morgan.

“Wow. She’s gotten so big,” Peter beams. The last time he saw her was the day after she was born. It was difficult for him to drop by the compound when he was caught up with school and being the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. “Can I um…?”

“Hold her?” Tony questions and Peter nods his head in response. “You don’t have to ask. You’ll be holding her most of the night anyway.”

Peter is obviously nervous when Morgan is placed in his arms, but he’s calming down when she doesn’t fuss like he expected her to.

“She’s so cute. She really looks like you, Mr. Stark.”

“Yeah, but she has Steve’s attitude.”

“Where is he?”

As if on cue, Steve is emerging from the bedroom and entering the living room. He’s dressed and has his hair nicely groomed; it’s a look Tony hasn’t seen in a while. Since the baby, Steve has cared less and less about his appearance. He preferred to lounge around in his track pants and a plain t-shirt. Tony didn’t care what his husband chose to wear, but seeing him put some effort in his appearance made him wonder if he was feeling like himself again.

“Hey, Queens,” Steve greets, a small smile forming over his features. “I really appreciate you doing this.”

“It’s nothing, Mr. Rog-I mean Stark-Rogers.”

Steve chuckles softly. “Steve is fine, kid.”

Peter flushes. “Right.”

“We better get going,” Tony says and he grabs his car keys and wallet. “Hon, you ready?”

“Yeah.” Steve nods. He still appears hesitant to leave their daughter. Tony takes his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze to reassure him.

Steve is quiet for most of the drive into the city. He keeps his gaze out the window, barely participating in any of the conversations Tony tries to have. Tony brushes it off and takes Steve’s hand, rubbing his thumb along Steve’s knuckles.

“Don’t worry,” Tony says when he senses Steve’s hesitation. “She’s in good hands.”

“I know. Pete’s a good kid. I just...she’s so young and I feel awful for leaving her now. We’ve never been separated before,” Steve says.

“She’ll be okay. Just relax and enjoy tonight.” Tony smiles and brings Steve’s hand up to his lips, placing a kiss to the soft skin.

Tony had wanted to keep their date simple. He chose one of their favorite restaurants and reserved a table on the rooftop. Everyone knew who he was, so it was easy to get the upper half of the restaurant to themselves.

He realizes once they’re seated that he may have gone overboard. The white tablecloth and candles were harmless, and the soft music playing through the speakers is nice; but Tony can’t help but feel it was too much too soon.

If Steve is bothered by it he doesn’t voice his complaints. He stays quiet as he reads through the menu. Tony orders a bottle of wine for them, shooting his husband a smile of reassurance when Steve eyes the bottle warily.

“One glass won’t hurt,” Tony says as he pours himself and Steve a glass. “You need something to take off the edge anyway.”

“I guess so.” Steve is still frowning. He picks up the glass and brings it up to his lips, taking a small sip.

“You look beautiful, darling.”

As cheesy as it sounds, Steve’s eyes appear brighter in the candle light. Tony rememberers thinking the same thing back when he first brought Steve to this establishment.

“Remember the first time we came here?”

“Our first date?”

“Yeah. I think it had been too much for a first date if I’m being honest.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything less.”

Tony chuckles and takes a drink from his glass, then he sets it down and gives the menu a quick look over; he already knows what he wants.

“I had a great time, though,” Steve assures, a smile forming over his lips. “I wouldn’t have agreed to a second if I didn’t.”

“And a third.”

“And marriage.”

“And a baby.”

Steve’s smile grows brighter. “Yeah. Aren’t you glad I said yes the first time?”

“You don’t know how happy I am, Steve.” Tony reaches across the table to take Steve’s hand, brushing his thumb over the wedding band he had put there two years ago. “You and Morgan mean everything to me. I can’t live without you.”

The smile on Steve’s face falters. “I’m sorry I haven’t made things easy. I just...I haven’t felt like myself since Morgan was born.”

“I know. And that’s okay. This is why we’re here. I want you to feel like yourself again.”

Steve sighs. “This is nice, Tony but...I don’t know if it’s enough.”

“It’ll take time. We can just go on more dates. Let’s make it a once a week thing if we can. You need a break from being a full time mommy.”

“Yeah,” Steve chuckles. “It does get pretty tiring.”

“Oh I know. But it’ll get easier. I promise,” Tony assures.

The rest of the evening passes by with ease. For the first time in a long time, the Steve Tony knew was making an appearance. Steve smiled more; he laughed. He was starting to feel like himself again. Tony was sure of it.

It’s not too late when they get home, but Tony still can’t help but feel bad for keeping Peter out on a school night.

Peter is lounging around in the living room when they step through the front door. Morgan is in her bassinet beside him, sleeping peacefully.

“Sorry,” Peter quickly apologizes when he catches the way Tony’s eyes drift in the direction of his sleeping daughter. “I felt bad about letting her sleep alone and then she started crying and-”

“Relax, kiddo,” Tony waves Peter off. “We just haven’t used that thing in a while. Maybe we should,” Tony says those last words to his husband, who nods in response.

“I’m going to move her.” Steve is careful when he picks Morgan up, smiling at her when she blinks her eyes open. “Hi, baby girl. I’m home now.”

Morgan doesn’t fuss or stir, instead she finds comfort in the familiar scent and drifts back to sleep.

“How’d she do?” Steve asks, turning to Peter.

“Uh good. I mean she does poop a lot and sometimes she cried, but we did get along pretty well. She’s adorable, Mr. Steve sir.”

Steve smiles. “Thanks, kid. We really appreciated this.”

“It’s not a problem, sir.”

Steve says goodnight and takes Morgan with him. Tony makes sure his husband is out of earshot before walking Peter toward the door.

“You don’t want to stay? I have a few empty rooms.”

“I’m good, Mr. Stark. I need to get home before Aunt May freaks out.”

“Right yeah. Well the offer still stands if you ever want to live here full time.”

“Thank you, but maybe some other time. I hope I was able to help.”

“Trust me, kid you did. He needed this.”

Peter frowns. “Is he okay?”

Tony lets out a sigh. “Fine. He’ll be fine. Oh before you go,” Tony says, and he pulls out his wallet and hands Peter a wad of hundreds.

Peter’s eyes widen at the amount placed in his hand. “Whoa! Mr. Stark, I can’t accept this. It’s too much!”

“Trust me you deserve it. Like I said, he really needed this. I’ll hire you again.”

“O-okay. Wow um thank you so much.”

“Don’t worry about it. Happy can give you a ride home.”

“Thank you. And tell Captain Rogers that I hope he feels better.”

“Will do.”

Steve is already in bed by the time Tony joins him in the bedroom. Tony quickly changes out of his suit and into something more comfortable. He crawls into bed beside Steve and pulls him close, sighing in content when Steve accepts his touch.

“I love you,” Tony says, running his fingers softly through Steve’s hair.

“I love you, too.” Steve smiles. He shifts so that he’s on his back and Tony is leaning over him. Steve cups Tony’s face and brings him in for a kiss.

“Did you have a good night?” Tony asks once they break apart.

“Yeah.” Steve nods. “Thank you. It really helped.”

“I’m glad. I just want you to be okay.”

There’s a moment of silence between them before Steve breaks it.

“You wanted to know how I’m feeling. I still can’t really describe it, but the closest thing I can compare it to is drowning. It’s like no matter how hard I try to swim to the surface, the waves keep pushing me down. I try and scream for help; for you, but you can’t hear me. No one can.”

“I can hear you. I’m right here.”

“I know. And I’m sorry that I’m feeling this way-”

“Don’t. Don’t apologize. It’s gonna be okay. You just need more breaks. You’re gonna be okay.”

“You promise?”

Tony doesn’t miss the way Steve’s eyes shine. There's no candle light to blame for the brightness in Steve's eyes. Tony nods and cups Steve’s face, leaning down to kiss him softly.

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have some fluffy moments, give Steve a break from feeling so sad. It won't last for long unfortunately, and he'll go back to how he was feeling, maybe even worse. I need to probably update the tags and I'll put a warnings when they're needed. I will try and update soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to give a warning about the ending of this chapter. It gets sad and more intense with Steve. I'll be adding more warnings when I feel a chapter needs them.

Tony doesn’t want to get his hopes up, especially when it was too soon to say for sure, but he was positive Steve was feeling like himself again. He wonders if their night out had anything to do with it. Steve had been different that night; he smiled and laughed, something Tony hadn’t seen him do in a long time.

Steve continued to resemble himself since that night. He smiled more and on occasion he would laugh at something someone said. He was better with Morgan, too. Tony didn’t witness any stressful moments between them anymore.

But Steve wasn’t going to get better overnight. Occasionally he would stay in the shower longer than normal, or his morning runs would exceed their normal time. Tony didn’t worry too much about it. Those were the times when Steve would get a break from Morgan. And Tony promised him more breaks.

They still struggle to find time for more dates. But that was to be expected with a new baby and the changes that came with parenthood. Tony wasn’t going to give up though. If he couldn’t treat his husband to a night on the town, then he’d find other ways to pamper him. Steve deserved it after everything he’s been through.

Tony helps more, too. With Steve finally giving him an opportunity to help with feedings, he’s able to relieve Steve for a while. It’s difficult to get up throughout the night, but he ignores the exhaustion and cares for his daughter. He wishes he had done more before, but he was doing it now.

Things were starting to look up.

As usual, Morgan is up early and demanding food. Steve stirs from the familiar sound, but before he can get up, Tony is already climbing out of bed to tend to her.

“Sleep in, honey,” Tony whispers. “I got her.”

“You let me sleep in yesterday,” Steve reminds him, his eyes fluttering open and a tired smile forming over his face.

Tony loved waking up to Steve each day. He loved how tousled his hair got; he loved how thick and deep his voice was first thing in the morning. In Tony’s opinion, this was when Steve looked his best.

“Go back to sleep.” Tony adjusts the blanket around Steve’s form, then he’s leaning down to kiss his head. Steve hums and his eyes fall shut again.

Morgan calms down the moment Tony has her out of her wet diaper and in a fresh one. He coos and smiles as he dresses her, chuckling softly when she smiles back at him. It’s a small smile, and he’s unsure if it’s a real one or just reflexes, but it brings joy to him anyway.

By the time Steve does get out of bed, Morgan is nearly done with her bottle. Tony glances up when he hears him come in the living room, one brow raising when he finds his husband dressed for the day.

“Morning,” Steve greets, placing a kiss to the top of Tony’s head. “Hi, sweetheart,” he smiles at Morgan and gives her a kiss next.

“Sleep well?” Tony questions.

“Yeah.” Steve nods, taking the empty spot on the couch. “Thank you for letting me sleep. I feel good today. Really good.”

“Good.” Tony smiles. He gestures toward Steve’s outfit. “You going somewhere?”

“I want to take Morgan out.”

“Out? Like in public…?”

“Not like that. I’m still hesitant about that. I was thinking I take her around the compound, maybe spend some time outside. We both could use the fresh air.”

“Okay…” Tony says slowly. “Is that a good idea?”

He regrets the question the minute it leaves his mouth. What possessed him to even ask something like that was beyond him. It’s clear Steve is just as bothered by it, if the look on his face is anything to go by.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Steve asks, the frown on his face deepening.

“I just...um...isn’t she a little...young?” Tony tries to save himself. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Steve after all of the progress he’s made.

“We’ll be fine. It will be some time for us to bond. You’re welcome to join us.”

“No, it’s okay. You two have fun. I’ll entertain myself the only way I know how.”

“Okay.” Steve smiles and pecks Tony on the cheek, then he’s rising to his feet. “I’m going to pack her a bag.”

Tony nods, forcing a smile. It leaves his face the minute Steve is gone. With a heavy sigh, Tony directs his attention back to his daughter, their eyes meeting.

“Be good for Papa okay? Can you do that?”

Morgan keeps her gaze locked on his face, listening contently to the familiar voice. Tony smiles and brings her closer to press his lips against her forehead. “You’ll be okay.”

He doesn’t know why he’s telling her this. He trusted his husband around their daughter. Not once did he ever think he would bring harm to her. But that inner voice is quick to point out all of the times Steve grew frustrated with their baby. Tony doesn’t want to listen, but that voice is persistent, making him wonder what would’ve happened if he didn’t step in and help.

No. Steve wouldn’t do anything to hurt Morgan. He loved her. He was fine.

Tony had nothing to worry about.

It’s not until Steve is returning a few minutes later with the diaper bag and stroller does Tony hesitate letting Steve go alone. He’s ready to tag along, only to stop himself. He didn’t want to ruin their bonding time. And he trusted Steve. Everything was going to be fine.

“We’ll be back later,” Steve says. He has Morgan secure in the stroller and her favorite pacifier in her mouth. She’s already drifting off to sleep. Steve smiles and adjusts the blanket around her, making sure she’s comfortable before they go. “You sure you don’t want to come?” Steve asks again.

“I’m okay.” Tony forces a small smile. “You two have fun. Be safe.”

Steve huffs out a laugh. “We’ll be in the compound, Tony. It’s fine.”

“I know, I know. I just...have fun. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Steve gives Tony a kiss on the lips, then he’s leaving the apartment with Morgan. Tony waits until they’re gone and the door shuts before letting out a sad sigh.

“Hey, Fri? Keep an eye on them will you?”

“Of course, sir.”

* * *

“I thought you said he was doing better?” Bruce says, his brows furrowing slightly. “Why are you afraid to leave him alone with Morgan?”

Tony sighs harshly. He’s regretting confiding in Bruce, but at the same time he needed to talk to someone. After Steve left, Tony couldn’t ignore the horrible thoughts of his husband not being trusted around their daughter. He has FRIDAY keeping a close eye on them and so far all of her updates have been good, but he was still paranoid. He hated it.

He decided to track Bruce down, finding him in his lab. Being around a familiar environment was the perfect space to clear his mind and think. It also helped that he had a friend.

“I’m not afraid,” Tony says, and he lets out a sigh. “I don’t know what it is.”

“Has he ever made you believe that he would hurt her?”

No. God no. He loves her. I just...sometimes he gets upset. You’ve seen it. I guess I was just worried that if he were to get overwhelmed again that maybe…”

“He’d take it out on her?”

Tony nods in response to Bruce’s question. “I know it’s horrible. I’ve been kicking myself all morning for thinking about it. He wouldn’t hurt her. That’s not Steve.”

“But Steve is different. I’m not saying he’d hurt her,” Bruce quickly says when Tony frowns. “You and I both know Steve isn’t capable of hurting anyone he loves. But I do think he needs to see someone.”

“I don’t know. He’s been better.”

“Tony, if you truly believed that, then you wouldn’t be here telling me how worried you are about him being alone with Morgan.”

“He just…” Tony sighs again, one hand coming up to run through his hair. “I don’t know. So far he’s been himself, and to tell you the truth, I never thought I’d see him like this again. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Tony, getting him help isn’t messing anything up. It’s you caring about him and his well-being. I’d talk to him.”

Tony scoffs. “Yeah, that’s going to go well. Once he finds out I’m not comfortable with him being alone with our baby he’ll lose his mind. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.”

Tony doesn’t stick around much after that. Bruce had offered him to stay and work with him, but for the first time in his life, Tony was saying no to work. His mind was occupied with the worst thoughts possible, and even working alongside Bruce couldn’t rid him of the horrible things his brain conjured up.

Steve is already home by the time Tony gets back. He’s seated on the couch with Morgan in his arms, a bright smile on his face as he talks to her. Steve glances up when he hears Tony come in, his smile growing wider.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Tony steps further into the apartment, each step edging closer to Steve and their daughter. “How was the compound?”

“Good. I gave her a tour and then we went outside to explore the grounds. It was nice.”

“Sounds fun. Wish I could’ve been there but Bruce needed me for something.”

“There’s always next time.”

“Yeah.”

It grows silent between them. Tony is contemplating taking Bruce’s advice and talking to Steve, but he’s hesitant. He doesn’t want to set him off.

“Tony?” Steve’s questioning tone is what snaps Tony from his thoughts, and he directs his gaze on Steve. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Hmm? Oh nothing. Just a little tired is all. I think I’m gonna take a nap. Wanna join me?”

“Yeah. I think we all could use one.”

Steve takes Morgan to the nursery to put her down for her nap and Tony heads in the direction of their bedroom. He paces the floor, an internal battle going on inside him. He needs to talk to Steve, but he’s afraid. Honestly, he’s not sure what he’s even afraid of. Was he afraid that he would upset his husband? Was he afraid that Steve would actually come clean and confess that in fact he wasn’t okay and that he needed help? Tony wasn’t sure.

There was only one way to find out.

“She’s asleep,” Steve informs when he enters the room. “I think I wore her out.”

Tony chuckles softly. “Yeah, I bet.”

Steve lies down on the bed first, patting the spot beside him for Tony to join. “Come here.”

Tony moves closer, crawling onto the bed until he’s lying beside Steve. He turns his head, their eyes meeting.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Steve smiles and he curls up closer to Tony.

It’s nice having Steve this close. Tony wraps one arm around him, enjoying holding him in his arms. They’re surrounded in silence, and for a moment Tony wonders if Steve has finally drifted off.

“I know you’re worried.” Steve’s voice is so soft Tony would’ve missed it if his ears weren’t already straining for another familiar sound.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am. I’m feeling better.”

“Yeah? Because if you ever need…”

“I’ll be alright. I know I can get through this with you by my side. You’ve always been there. I know you always will be.”

“Of course.” Tony leans down to kiss the top of Steve’s head. “I love you.”

Steve curls up closer, resting his head over Tony’s chest. “I love you, too.”

* * *

It’s an alert from FRIDAY that is jolting Tony awake. The room is darker, one glance out the window showing just how long he’s slept. Tony sits up, groaning softly and digging the heels of his hands in his eyes. It takes a few seconds for him to gather himself, and once he does, he turns toward his right, finding that Steve is no longer in bed with him.

“Sir?” The tone of FRIDAY’S voice is off. It’s alarming, making his stomach twist into uncomfortable knots.

“What’s wrong?” He’s almost afraid to know the answer.

He can hear Morgan, the sound of her cries concerning. He listens carefully, ears straining to hear Steve calming her like he always does.

“It’s Steve,” FRIDAY informs. Tony’s blood grows cold and he’s out of bed in seconds.

Morgan’s cries are louder, but it’s not just the sound she’s making that worries Tony. His ears finally pick up on Steve-he sounds upset. Tony pushes the door to the nursery open, walking straight into a scene he thought he’d never have to witness again.

Steve is struggling to get their daughter calm. Any effort he makes is failing. She’s screaming at the top of her lungs, the sound heartbreaking to hear. Steve has his own tears running down his face, but it’s not the tears that has Tony rush toward him. The tight grip Steve has on her doesn’t look right.

“Steve,” Tony says, making sure to keep his tone calm. Steve snaps his head up at him, showing off his red and tear-filled eyes. “Honey, let me have her.”

“I got it,” Steve brings Morgan closer, turning away when Tony gets too close. “Dammit, Tony I got it!”

His outburst only makes the situation worse. That fear Tony had is creeping up on him again. All he can think about is getting his daughter in his arms.

“Steve, give her to me.”

Steve shakes his head. “I can do this.”

“Honey, let me help you.”

Steve shakes his head again. He wraps his arms around Morgan a little tighter. Tony knows he needs a better approach.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay. You go back to bed and I’ll deal with this. Please? Just go to bed.”

There’s still some hesitation and Tony can practically see the argument Steve was having with himself. Then he’s nodding his head and allowing Tony to take her from him. Tony brings Morgan close, trying to get her calm.

“Shh. I’m here, Maguna. Daddy’s here. Daddy won’t leave you again.”

Tony peers up at Steve when he hears him sniff. Steve’s a wreck, his eyes giving away just how much pain he’s really in. Tony wants to comfort him too, but he needs to get his daughter somewhere else first.

“Tony? Tony, please?” Steve starts begging when he realizes Tony was leaving with their daughter.

It’s difficult to ignore him, but Tony forces himself to do it, instead focusing on getting his daughter’s bag and carseat. He straps her in and places a blanket over her to keep her warm. Steve comes closer, trying to get to his baby.

“Don’t.” Tony warns and Steve backs off.

Steve releases a sob. “Please? Tony, please don’t take her from me. Don’t take her from me.”

“She can’t be here right now.”

“No! Please! I’m not going to hurt her. Tony, please!”

Tony ignores his pleas, eyes burning with tears when he realizes that he’s hurting the one person he never wanted to hurt. But he didn’t have a choice. Morgan needed to be somewhere else right now.

Steve follows close behind, still begging and screaming for Tony not to take her away from him.

“I’m sorry,” Tony says, then he’s leaving the apartment and taking his daughter with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate Tony. He doesn't know what's going on with Steve and honestly, he's scared because Steve isn't the same and he's not sure what to do. But this was an awakening for the both of them and the next chapter is going to focus on Steve finally getting the help he needs. Also, Steve would never hurt his baby. He's hurting right now, but he'd never hurt anyone else. I will try and get the next part up soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to this one. I promised to work on all my WIPS and it's harder than I thought it was going to be. Anyway, here is the next chapter! Thank you so much for being so patient with me!

There’s only one place Tony knows where to go, only one person he can rely on for a time like this. It takes a couple of knocks on the door to get a response, then it’s opening and Natasha is standing in the doorway, a deep frown etched on her face. Tony understands her confusion. Here he was in the middle of the night at her door with a fussy baby. It’s not just confusion that crosses her features. She looks concerned.

“I’m sorry,” Tony apologizes. “You’re the only one who can help.”

“What happened?” Natasha asks. She glances down at Morgan then back up at Tony. “Where’s Steve?”

Tony’s lack of response is everything she needs to know, and she invites him in. Having been in Natasha’s private quarters a few times over the years, he’s comfortable enough to move through the space with ease. His destination is the couch and he places Morgan down on the floor, hunching over to unbuckle her and take her into his arms. He sits back with her in his arms, a sigh of relief escaping him.

“Where’s Steve?” Natasha asks, taking small steps toward him until she’s occupying the other cushion.

“He’s at home,” Tony finally replies to the question. He lays Morgan over his shoulder, one hand supporting her tiny head and the other her bottom. She’s still whimpering. “Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart. You’re okay now.”

“Tony?” Natasha says again, her tone laced with concern. “What happened?”

“He didn’t mean it.”

“What?”

“Steve... he...he got upset again. I don’t know why. I panicked okay! He was holding her too tight and I was afraid...afraid he was going to hurt her. We had to leave.”

“He wouldn’t hurt her-”

“I know! I’m not…” Tony lets out a sigh when Morgan grows fussy again. Natasha holds out her hands and Tony gently passes his daughter to her. Tony sighs again and scrubs a hand over his face. “I know he wouldn’t. But you weren’t there, Nat. He was so...angry. I got scared. I had to protect my baby.”

Natasha doesn’t respond, too busy attending to Morgan. She speaks softly to her, cooing and smiling until Morgan grows quiet. Tony can’t help but wish his husband acted this way toward their daughter.

“Tony,” Natasha says, continuing with their conversation now that Morgan is calm and drifting off to sleep. “I think it’s time you had someone else intervene. He needs someone to talk to, someone who’s not us or you. He needs help.”

Tony sighs and leans forward, clasping both hands together and rubbing them for a moment. “He does. I hate to admit it but he does. He’s not the same anymore. And I missed all the signs. How the hell did I do that?”

“You’re under a lot of stress, too. It’s not your fault.”

“It kinda feels like it is.”

“Go be with him. He’s probably confused and scared. I can take Morgan for the night and give you a chance to properly talk with him. He means a lot to me and everyone else, too. We want him to be okay.”

Tony nods. That’s all he wants too. He doesn’t want Steve to suffer like this anymore. He’s been down this same road and it was hell. Steve was the one who saved him. Now it was his turn to save Steve.

He feels better now that he’s talked with Natasha, but that sense of calmness is quick to leave him the moment he steps back onto the floor of his private quarters. Guilt and concern have taken over. He hadn’t been gone too long, but to Steve it could’ve felt like hours.

A shaky breath leaves him when Tony reaches for the door knob and turns it. The door creaks loudly when it’s opened all the way. The apartment is quiet; the silence is unsettling.

It’s not until he ventures further in does he pick up the soft sobs. Tony pushes the door of the nursery open, peering inside and finding it empty. He moves on to the master bedroom and that’s where he finds Steve.

Their bedroom is a mess. Pictures of them have been knocked off the walls, broken glass scattering the floor. Steve is huddled on the floor near the edge of the bed, one hand tugging roughly on his hair while he cries and his other hand is resting in his lap, covered in red.

Steve sniffs and peers up when he hears Tony enter the room, his eyes shiny with tears. “You came back?”

“Of course,” Tony says and steps further into the room, taking small, cautious steps toward his husband. “Steve, what did you do?”

Steve brings his wounded hand closer to his chest. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

Tony carefully lowers himself down beside Steve, reaching out to take his bloodied hand to inspect the damage. The cut isn’t very deep and there was no doubt that the serum would come through and heal it, but it’s still difficult to see Steve hurt. Both physically and emotionally.

“I got so angry. I didn’t understand why you were taking her from me. I’d never hurt her, Tony.”

“I know. But I had to take her. You were so-”

“I didn’t mean it. I would never hurt her. I love her so much. I love you.”

“I know.”

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

Tony sighs. “I do. I know deep down you’d never hurt Morgan but...honey, you scared me. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to protect her.”

Steve releases a choked sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This isn’t me, Tony. This isn’t me.”

“I know. I’m gonna help you okay? I promise.”

Steve nods. Tony rises to his feet and disappears to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinets until he finds the first aid kit that they kept in case of minor accidents. He returns with the kit and takes his spot beside Steve.

“It’s not that bad,” Steve tries to argue, pulling his hand away from Tony’s reach.

“Right. Because bleeding is a good sign.” Tony rolls his eyes. He pulls out the contents he needs from the kit and gestures for Steve’s hand. Steve huffs and allows him to take care of the wound. “What did you do? Smash your hand through the frame?”

“I punched it...so yeah I guess. Ah!” Steve hisses when Tony starts to clean the wound. “You know the serum will take care of this, right?”

“Let me help you.”

Steve sighs and tips his head back, letting it rest on the edge of the bed. “You’re not talking about my hand, are you?”

“Steve, something’s wrong-”

“Tony-”

“Just listen. You’re hurting. You told me some things, but I don’t think you’re being completely honest with me. I want you to talk to me, make me understand so I can fix this.”

Steve sighs again and glances down at his lap. “I don’t know. Some days are good, and then others are...they’re awful. It’s those days when sometimes I wish...sometimes I wish I never came out of the ice or that I died during that crash. It would have saved me from this.”

Tony grows quiet, keeping his attention on the hand that needs to be wrapped up. He listens, waiting for Steve to continue. It’s heartbreaking to hear his confession.

“I know that’s wrong and I don’t mean to have those thoughts, but I just hurt so bad. I don’t know how to explain it; I don’t even know if I can try. I’m just in so much pain and I want it to go away. I want to feel like myself again.”

Tony swallows the lump that’s formed in this throat. He knew Steve was hurting, but he didn’t know his pain was this severe. He wishes he had seen the signs sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have come to this if he had.

“I’m sorry.” Steve’s voice is quiet, broken. Their eyes meet, allowing Tony to see how shiny and full of pain they are. “I’m so sorry. This isn’t me. You know that, right?”

“Yes. I know. I’m going to help you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel like yourself again. I promise.”

Though Steve nods his head, there’s still some hesitancy. Tony gets it. There were points in his life when he had been told similar things, only to not believe them. How could he when he felt there was no hope for him?

But he would help Steve. He’d do anything to get him back, to make him happy again. He’d give Steve hope.

“Is she okay?” Steve asks. Tony’s eyes flicker up to meet Steve‘s, then they’re settling back on the wrapped hand.

“She’s fine. Nat’s taking her for the night.”

“Did I hurt her?”

Tony doesn’t miss the way Steve’s voice cracks. One glance up shows tears running down Steve’s face.

“Tony, did I-”

“No. I don’t know. The way you were holding her-”

Steve chokes back a sob.

“Hey. She’s okay. You didn’t mean it. I know you didn’t.”

“You wouldn’t have left then. You wouldn’t have taken her away.”

“Steve, I panicked and I’m sorry. I just...hey, it’s going to be okay. We’ll fix this. We’re a team, remember?”

“What if you can’t fix me?”

“I will. I promise.”

* * *

It’s a lot easier to find someone outside of their little circle of friends to help Steve. Tony had been against the idea of going through S.H.I.E.L.D-he didn’t like the thought of them knowing about Steve’s condition-but it was one of the better options. They would at least keep the information private and prevent it from ever getting leaked to the press. Steve didn’t need to be broadcasted right now.

The secret organization was their best bet. It helped that Steve was familiar with them, but Tony wasn’t sure if that fact made choosing them better or worse. Would Steve feel reluctant to open up because he knew them? He knew his teammates and still kept his feelings bottled up. He could do it again.

Speaking to a total stranger would probably have the same results, but at least Steve wouldn’t feel like this person was going to use whatever he told them against him. S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn’t do that, though. At least, Tony hopes they wouldn’t.

He’s just finished getting off the phone with a doctor. He feels hopeful now that he’s taken the first step in getting help for his husband, but he’s quickly reminded that they had a long road ahead of them. Steve wasn’t going to bounce back overnight.

Steve is currently in the living room, sitting on the couch and eyes transfixed on the bassinet beside him. Morgan is sleeping peacefully. Steve hasn’t made any contact with her since that night of his latest outburst. Tony’s been having to do a majority of the caring. He was fine with it, but at the same time he hated seeing Steve so distant with their daughter.

“Is she still asleep?” Tony asks when he enters the room, the sound of his voice snapping Steve out of whatever thought he’s having.

“Yeah, yeah. She’s...fine.”

Tony sighs and slips his phone into his pocket. “I set up an appointment for you. Next Thursday at ten.”

“Thank you.” Steve directs his gaze back on their daughter. He reaches out for her, only to quickly retract his hand. It’s painful to see him so afraid to touch her.

“Steve-”

“I’m fine. I just-I can’t. Tony, I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“You won’t. What happened that night-”

“I promised!” Steve’s voice raises slightly. He’s quick to realize what he’s done and his head whips in Morgan’s direction when she lets out a small whimper. He doesn’t try to comfort her.

Tony steps in, stretching out his fingers to brush them along Morgan’s cheek. She reacts positively to his touch, calming down instantly and falling back asleep. Tony continues to stroke her face.

“I promised,” Steve says again. “The day I found out about her I swore to never hurt her. She’s my baby. What kind of father would I be if I...if I hurt her? I did the one thing I was never supposed to do.”

“Steve, you didn’t mean it. You were upset and didn’t realize you were holding her too tight.”

“Yeah?” Steve sniffs and wipes at his nose with the sleeve of his sweater. “Then if I didn’t mean it then why...forget it.”

“What?” A part of Tony regrets pressing for more. He’s afraid to know what Steve is trying to say.

“Nothing. I need a minute okay? Clear my head.” Steve rises to his feet and leaves the apartment.

The door slams behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes it's not looking good. Tony is trying so hard and Steve is just...poor thing is a mess. But at least he's one step closer to getting some help and soon he'll be well on his way to feeling like himself again!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Sorry for the late update. I swear I’ve been trying to get my stories updated but I’m struggling, especially now after hearing about Chadwick. I’m devastated and honestly feel horrible. It’s hitting me so hard and no one in my family understands. Sorry I just wanted to get that off my chest. Anyway, thank you so much for your wonderful support. It means a lot ❤️❤️❤️

Tony tries not to worry when Steve ignores his calls and texts, and again when hours pass and he’s still not home. He convinces himself that Steve was fine, probably out on a run or beating a few bags down in the gym. Those were usually the activities he did when he needed to clear his head. This was just another one of those times.

But even if Steve was out getting some space, Tony didn’t like the idea of him being on his own. He didn’t want to accuse Steve of being unstable, but as of late his emotions had been a mess.

It was just the depression, Tony knew that, but he and depression go way back. He knew it wasn’t just a roll coaster of emotions with depression. There were other, and sometimes, worse side effects.

Tony curses to himself when Steve refuses to pick up the phone. He’s ready to dial the number again, only to stop when Morgan needs him. He uses her as a distraction, and soon he has her fed and calm in his arms.

Morgan doesn’t drift off to sleep right away, instead keeping her eyes locked with Tony’s. He smiles down at her and gently strokes a finger along her face. Her eyes flutter, only to open again.

“I don’t know why you’re fighting sleep,” Tony tells her. “It’s pretty much bedtime. Are you waiting for Papa to come home? I bet you are, huh? Me too.”

As if on cue, the front door is opening and Steve is stepping through. Relief washes over Tony at the sight of him.

“Hey.” Tony is the first to greet. “Morgan missed you. I think she’s waiting for goodnight cuddles.”

Steve ignores him, walking out of the living room and toward their bedroom. Tony lets out a heavy sigh and rises to his feet, shushing Morgan quietly when she starts to fuss. He doesn’t chase after Steve right away, deciding to put Morgan down in her crib first.

When he has her calm and well on her way to sleep, he shuts the door halfway and moves on toward the other bedroom. Steve isn’t in sight, but the sounds coming from the closet indicate where he’s at. Steve emerges from the closet, a small pile of clothes gathered in his arms. Then Tony notices the bag on the bed.

“Honey, what are you doing?” Tony asks, eyes darting in the direction of the bag and then up again to meet Steve’s.

“I’m staying with Bucky tonight.” Is all Steve says, then he’s turning away and heading into the bathroom. Tony follows, watching from the doorway as Steve gathers a few items from the room.

“Why? What’s wrong with staying here? You know, in your home?”

Steve continues to ignore the questions and gathers what he needs, then he’s pushing past Tony to get to the bedroom. He stuffs the bag and zips it up.

“Steve, stop.” Tony’s had enough of being ignored. This time Steve does acknowledge him. “Why are you leaving?”

“I just need some space.”

“I get that but-”

“I can’t be here right now.”

“So you’re gonna walk out on me? Is that it?”

“You walked out on me.”

“I had to-”

“You left me. I had no idea if you were coming back or not. You took Morgan and left.”

“I didn’t have a choice. I’m sorry for leaving but you were-Steve, don’t go.” Tony knows his attempts at making Steve stay wasn’t going to work, but he had to do something.

“Just admit it, Tony. Just admit that you’re afraid of me. You don’t trust me around her and I get that. I don’t trust myself either. It’s better if I go.” Steve turns back around and grabs the bag. 

He’s going to leave if Tony doesn’t do something quick. But he doesn’t know what to do or what to say. Steve knew how he really felt.

When Tony fails to respond in a timely manner, Steve throws the bag over his shoulder and leaves the room. Tony rushes after him.

“Wait. I didn’t say I’m afraid of you-”

“Not outloud you didn’t. I can see it. I just-I just need tonight okay? Please just give me some space.”

“I did give you space.”

“Tony, please? I can’t-I don’t want to hurt her again.”

“You won’t.”

“How do you know that? Look what I’ve already done.”

“Steve, wait. We need to talk about this.”

“I need to go.”

Steve leaves, slamming the door on his way out. Tony rushes to the door and throws it open, peering out into the hall and watching Steve disappear. With a heavy sigh, Tony closes the door and leans against it, one hand running through his hair and tugging at the strands in frustration.

“Dammit, Steve,” Tony curses and rests his head against the door with a thump. Morgan’s cries reach his ears and he’s forced to forget about Steve and focus on his daughter.

Tony attends to Morgan and changes her in a fresh diaper, then he prepares a bottle for her and takes her out with him to the living room. He lowers himself down on the couch and cradles her in his arm. The minute he offers the bottle, she latches on and nurses greedily.

“Guess it’s just you and me tonight, squirt. Papa is...he’s...he’s okay.”

It’s all a lie. Steve was far from okay. Tony didn’t even know half of the pain his husband was going through. All he wanted was for Steve to open up to him, let him in and express what he was feeling. Tony was doing everything he could to help, but it was impossible to do when he was left in the dark.

Steve doesn’t return any of his calls or messages that night. Tony is forced to lie awake and wonder what he’s supposed to do from here.

* * *

Morgan is fussy, her face pink and scrunched up. Tears are streaming down her face and her cries rise in volume. Tony does everything he can to get his daughter to calm down, but all of his attempts fail. She refuses a bottle when it’s offered and the soft rocking that usually calms her only makes her feel worse.

“Maguna,” he soothes. “You’re okay.”

Tony sighs when his daughter continues to express her displeasure. It was times like this when he wishes Steve was here. He wonders if Steve’s absence is the reason why Morgan was upset.

“He’s coming back. I promise you okay? Papa is coming back. He loves you so much.”

Tony brings Morgan closer, softly shushing her and pressing a kiss to her head. She continues to cry, the sound getting harder and harder to hear.

“I’m sorry,” Tony whispers, tears gathering in his eyes. “Daddy’s sorry.”

“Let me take her.”

Tony’s head snaps up at the familiar voice, finding Steve lingering in the doorway of the nursery. Steve steps into the room and comes closer. There’s some hesitation in his steps, almost as if he’s unsure of himself, but the sound of his crying baby is what brings him closer and stretching his arms out.

There’s a small smile on his face when Morgan is in his arms. “Shh. Sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m here,” Steve’s soothing voice has Morgan quieting down. Her eyes open and she peers up at him. Steve smiles down at her. “You’re okay,” Steve soothes, using one hand to gently stroke her face.

The room falls silent.

Steve continues to speak to her in a soft tone and slowly rocks her in his arms.

“I guess she just needed you,” Tony says and Steve peers up at him. “She knows you better than me-”

“Tony, stop.”

“It’s true. She needs you. Don’t leave us. You know I can’t do this without you.”

“Maybe you can,” Steve says and he glances back down at Morgan. She’s asleep. He crosses the room and carefully places her down in the crib, then he’s turning toward Tony again. “Maybe you don’t need me as much as you think. What have I done that’s been good? That proves that I’m what she needs?”

“Steve, don’t.” Tony comes closer until they’re standing near each other. He places both hands over Steve’s shoulders. “Whatever thoughts you’re having right now, don’t listen to them. That voice is a liar.”

“Is it? Maybe it’s right. Maybe I can’t do this. Maybe I shouldn’t.”

“Stop,” Tony cups Steve’s face. “You can do this. Don’t listen to what that voice says. Just listen to me.”

Steve’s eyes grow shiny with tears. A few escape and Tony wipes them away. He pulls Steve close when a choked sob escapes him.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Tony soothes.

Steve clings to him tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now. I’m going to help you. I promise.”

“What if you can’t?”

“I’m never giving up on you.”

* * *

Tony waits outside the room, his right leg bouncing nervously and his eyes glued to the door a few feet away from him. He hasn’t been able to tear his gaze away since he was first asked to wait outside. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t hurt that Steve suggested he wait outside of the room. Tony gave Steve the space he wanted, but there was a part of him that wished Steve would have granted him access.

Time seems to be passing agonizingly slow. Tony can’t take sitting down anymore and he moves to pacing, his eyes flickering in the direction of the door every few minutes.

Having Steve meet with the doctor in the safety of their own home is relieving, but Tony can’t help but wonder if Steve would still struggle to open up. He was still having issues letting Tony in. Some days were better, but it was clear that he didn’t want to release all of his pent up feelings. Tony’s hoping after today, Steve would feel more comfortable.

With a huff Tony plops back down in the chair. He pulls out his phone while he waits, shooting a quick text to Natasha to check in. The last update he had gotten about Morgan was thirty minutes ago. She was probably still asleep, but Tony can’t help but check in anyway.

The door is opening and Tony jumps up from his seat. Steve steps out of the room, shooting Tony a small smile when their eyes meet.

“Hey,” Tony is the first to say. “How’d it go?”

Steve gives a small shrug in response. “Fine. Dr. Nielsen just recommended a few things to try. He also wants me to see a therapist.”

“Okay. Did he say anything about medi-” Tony stops himself, not wanting to make Steve any more uncomfortable than he already was. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that-”

“It’s fine. If I need it then...it’s fine.”

“Let’s try other things first. He gave you a list of suggestions right?”

“Yeah. I’m interested in meeting with a support group.”

“Really? Is that a good idea? I thought you wanted to keep this to yourself?”

“Keeping this to myself isn’t working anymore. That’s why I’m doing this, remember?” Steve asks, his tone growing bitter. Tony knows better than to upset him, especially when he was already in such a fragile state.

“I know, I know.” Tony takes Steve’s hand and offers him a smile, hoping to shift his husband’s attitude. “I’m proud of you, honey. This was the first step and you did it.”

“Yeah,” Steve agrees with a small smile. “It’s not so bad. I think I can do this. I think this is good.”

“It is. You’ll feel like yourself in no time.”

Steve nods. “How’s Morgan? Has Nat said anything?”

“Uh…” Tony glances down at the phone that’s still in his hand. “I’ll check in. Hey, maybe Nat can watch her a little longer and we grab some lunch? Sound good?”

Steve smiles. “Sounds good.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got around to updating this one! I wish I could say it's a happy chapter...well maybe at first. Some smut anyone? Anyway...yeah it gets worse for these two. I hope you all enjoy the update anyway!

It’s been too long since they’ve kissed like this.

The moment they finished lunch and returned home, Steve was on Tony in seconds, crashing their lips together in a passionate and desperate kiss. Tony had been shocked at first. They hadn’t been intimate in some time, not that Tony was going to voice his complaints out loud, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss this part of their relationship.

For weeks he felt like he was living with someone else. Steve, his husband, the man he promised to spend the rest of his life with, no longer existed. The person Tony resides with resembled the man he loved, but it wasn’t the one he remembered. Steve had changed drastically since the birth of their daughter, and for a moment, Tony believed he had lost him for good.

But now he was coming around.

Tony welcomes the kiss with ease. He follows Steve’s lead, chasing after his lips even after Steve’s pulled away.

“Bedroom,” Steve murmurs and presses a kiss against Tony’s lips. His hands find their way to Tony’s belt, slipping his fingers in the loops of his jeans and tugging him forward.

Tony allows Steve to lead him toward their bedroom. He’s reminded of their daughter that needed to be picked up, but Natasha had assured them to take as long as they wanted. She had meant their lunch date but Tony wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity. There was no telling when he’d get Steve like this again.

Steve breaks the kiss and shoves Tony back until he’s landing on the bed. Steve joins him, hovering over him and ducking his head down to connect their lips again. Tony moans into the kiss and grips Steve’s waist, both hands trailing down until they’re resting on his ass. Steve responds by grinding down, rubbing his hardening cock against Tony’s.

Tony pulls away and attaches his lips to Steve’s neck, placing kisses and soft bites along the pale skin. Steve gasps softly and tilts his head to the side to offer Tony better access. Their lips meet again in a desperate and urgent kiss, tongues battling each other for dominance. Steve is deemed the winner.

Tony is left panting when Steve breaks the kiss. He watches intently as Steve works his belt open, their connected gaze never breaking. There’s a smirk forming over Steve’s lips once he has the belt undone and Tony’s jeans unbuttoned. Steve doesn’t waste anymore time in freeing Tony’s cock and wrapping his lips around the head.

“Fuck…” Tony moans and his eyes fall shut. The sensation and the sounds of having Steve pleasure him this way is too much. He’s not going to last long.

He finds the strength to open his eyes and glance down, mesmerized by the sight of Steve’s bobbing head. Tony moans, the sound snapping Steve’s eyes up in his direction. Just the look in his husband’s eyes brings Tony closer to his release.

It’s been too long since he’s seen this part of Steve.

“Fuck, honey. Don’t stop.” Tony’s hand flies down to grasp Steve’s head, fingers tugging on the blond strands. Steve grunts from the sting but doesn’t stop.

Tony’s almost there. Steve must sense it too because he wraps a hand around the shaft, stroking it the way Tony likes. The combination of Steve’s hot mouth and the friction of his hand is what brings Tony over the edge. He grunts and holds Steve’s head down as he releases in his mouth.

“Holy shit,” Tony pants and loosens the grip he has on Steve. Steve pulls off with a pop, his lips red and sticky with evidence of Tony’s release. He licks them clean and that smirk is back on his face. “Darling, that was amazing. Where the hell did that come from?”

Steve chuckles and leans back on his haunches. He gives a small shrug in response. “Guess I just wanted to surprise you. And thank you for lunch.”

“If that was for lunch then how’s dinner sound tomorrow night?”

Steve grins and moves to hover over Tony again. “I’d like that,” he says before leaning down to connect their lips.

Tony smiles into the kiss. He gently pushes Steve back. “Your turn, sweetheart.”

“But Morgan-”

“Shit! Okay. Um...I can do it in five minutes?”

“You don’t sound sure.”

“Come here.” Tony holds out a hand and Steve takes it. Tony pulls him forward and down for another kiss. “I love you so much,” he whispers against Steve’s lips.

Those must have been the wrong words to say because Steve is pulling away. Tony frowns at the change in his behavior and sits up.

“Steve, what’s wrong?”

Panic begins to set in. Tony wonders what he did wrong this time.

“Honey-”

“You love me?” Steve asks, his tone laced with uncertainty. His brows draw together and that smile he once wore has been transformed into a frown.

“Of course I love you.” Tony takes both of Steve’s hands in his own. “Why would you ask that?”

“I guess...I guess I don’t know how you can love me. Look what I’ve done, Tony. Look at the horrible things I’ve done to you and...and our daughter.” Tears are streaming down Steve’s face now. Tony doesn’t understand how in such a short amount of time Steve went from happy to this.

The depression. It’s always going to be depression. It was always going to hang over Steve like a rain cloud. Tony wasn’t going to let that cloud downpour over Steve. The storm don’t last forever. it will eventually run out of rain.

It was just going to take more time.

“That’s not you. Steve, whatever you’re thinking...it’s not you. I know you don’t mean the things you say or do because it’s not _you_. Remember that voice? It’s a liar. Don’t listen. Just listen to me.”

“I’m sorry. God, Tony I’m sorry for everything. I want to be me again. I want us to be happy. I want Morgan...I just want us to be a family.”

“We are,” Tony assures and he gently pulls Steve forward. Steve follows and Tony wraps him in his arms. “I love you so much. And Morgan loves you. Don’t ever think that for a second that we don’t.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know. Don’t give up okay? I’m with you through all of this. I’m never leaving your side.”

That smile on Steve’s face returns. It’s not as vibrant as the one before it and it’s obvious there’s not much joy behind it, but it’s better than seeing Steve upset.

“I’m sorry,” Steve apologizes. “I think I killed the mood.”

“It’s okay. We probably need to get Morgan anyway. I’ll make it up to you,” Tony says with a wink.

* * *

Tony hasn’t stopped staring at the little bottle of pills since Steve came home with them. They've been in the same spot for weeks, always near the coffee pot so Steve can remember them better. His routine is different now: he makes coffee, takes his pill, goes on a run, cares for Morgan. It's not a routine Tony is entirely fond of.

Some days that routine is altered. The coffee is always made and the pill is never forgotten, but the run gets left out. Morgan never misses any attention.

It’s still a routine Tony doesn’t like.

He’s fine with the coffee; Steve makes it specially for him. He’s more than fine with the morning run Steve likes to take; that’s Steve’s time to unwind and clear his head. Tony would honestly prefer if he skipped the pills instead of the run.

He hates that mindset. The pills are what’s helping Steve cope with his depression. At least, that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. From day one Steve has never missed a dosage, and yet some days it seems like he’s never been prescribed them at all.

It just takes time.

Tony would know. He’s been on a few different brands in his lifetime. It took time for him to find one that actually worked and mellowed the symptoms. But with Steve it’s different. He still has his good and bad days, but lately it’s as if he’s had more bad than good. The medication should be doing it’s thing by now.

But again, Steve was different. He had the damn serum. No doubt that was the issue. That’s what Tony decides to pin the blame on.

He’s snapped from his thoughts when he hears Steve enter the apartment. Tony quickly diverts his gaze from the nearly empty bottle of pills and continues to pour himself a cup of coffee.

Steve enters the room, sweaty and panting from his morning run.

“Hey,” he greets with a small smile.

“Hey.” Tony returns the greeting. “How was the run?”

“Good.” Steve moves past Tony to get to the fridge. He opens it and pulls out a water bottle. “Glad I was finally able to do one today.”

“Yeah. Hey maybe later we can grab lunch. Morgan shouldn’t fuss.”

Steve sighs. “I have my support group at 11:30, remember?”

“Oh yeah. It’s Thursday. Can you just skip today?”

“I can’t skip. These meetings help.”

“Right.” Tony frowns and brings his coffee cup up to his lips. “Just like the medication.” Those last few words were supposed to have been mumbled against the coffee mug, but it’s clear by the look on Steve’s face that he had heard.

“What the hell does that mean?” Steve demands.

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“You don’t think they’re helping, do you?”

Tony lets out a sigh of defeat. There was no point trying to deny it. “I don’t know. Sometimes they seem like they do and then you’re irritable and lashing out at me.”

“When have I done that?” Steve questions. Tony doesn’t miss the way his voice takes on a defensive tone.

“Last week. You threw a fit over me misplacing Morgan’s pacifier.”

“It’s her favorite, and you know she needs it to calm down.”

“But you didn’t have to yell. Oh and then you got mad over the laundry, and the living room being a mess, and the conference call I had to take.”

“Maybe if you were doing your part-”

“My part? Who the hell do you think gets up every time Morgan wakes up?”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Oh but don’t I? You can’t properly handle our crying baby at 3 in the fucking morning!”

Steve scoffs and shakes his head. “So we’re back to this? I knew it. I knew you had a problem with it. You’re the one who offered every single time! How the hell was I supposed to know that you didn’t want to get up? I’m capable of getting her.”

“But you’re not! How many times have you-” Tony stops himself before he can make the situation worse. But it’s too late. The damage is already done. Steve knows what he’s referring to. “I didn’t mean-Steve, it’s not like that. I didn’t-”

Tony moves to get around the island and get to Steve, only to stop when Steve takes a step back.

“Don’t,” Steve warns.

“Honey, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. I just-”

“You know you told me to listen to you and not that voice, but guess what, Tony? I am listening to you, and you’re starting to sound just like that voice.”

“Steve, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes you did. Maybe we never should’ve-” Steve glances down at the ring on his finger. He toys with the band before slipping it off and laying it on the counter. “Here. Maybe now you can find someone better.”

“Stop. Steve-”

“I gotta go.”

They share one last look, then Steve is turning and leaving. Tony watches as he disappears up the stairs. A door slams, followed by Morgan’s cries.

Tony doesn’t even wait for Steve to get her, not that he was really expecting him to. Morgan is calmer now that she’s in Tony’s arms, her brown eyes transfixed on his face and warm smile.

“We’re gonna go see Auntie Pepper okay?” Tony tells her as he dresses her for the day.

He doesn’t bother to tell Steve where he’s going; he can shoot him a text once he gets there. He doesn’t even know if Pepper is available for a drop in visit like this, but he needs someone to talk to. He needs a break from the chaos.

* * *

“And then he just took off the ring, like it meant absolutely nothing.” Tony huffs and leans back in the chair. Pepper is sitting quietly at her desk across from him, a concerned frown etched on her face. She hadn’t said much when Tony first began to tell the story, deciding to let him ramble before adding her perspective.

“Can I say something without you getting upset?” Pepper asks. Tony can’t help but roll his eyes. He’s probably going to get upset.

“I guess. But I know you’re going to blame me! I probably shouldn’t have said what I said but I just lost it. I swear I’m trying, Pep. I’m trying to be a good husband, a good father. I’m trying to be what he needs but sometimes...God, I feel like an asshole for thinking this, but sometimes it’s too much. I’d never leave him; I love him. But...it’s hard. Dealing with this is just so hard.”

“I know. And I know you’d never abandon him. That’s not you. You’re doing the best you can, Tony. No one said any of this was going to be easy, and I hate to say it, but it’s only going to get worse before it can get better.”

“I wish you didn’t say that.”

Pepper smiles softly and reaches across the desk to take one of his hands. “I know you want him back and things to be normal again. They’ll get there. It just takes time. Right now he needs you more than ever.”

“I know. I think I better get him some flowers. Something. I don’t know. I really screwed up, Pep. I honestly don’t blame him for taking the ring off.”

“I think you need to go home and sit down with him. He’s holding things in, too. Go talk to him. And really listen. Because he’s in pain and sometimes, all he probably wants is for you to just listen.”

“Yeah.” Tony nods. His eyes drift to the car seat laying near his feet. Morgan is still fast asleep. “I guess we better go. You and Happy wore her out.”

Pepper smiles. “Happy loves her to death. He’s been wondering when you’d stop by.”

“I’m coming back to work. I just need to deal with this first.”

Pepper winces. “Oh that reminds me. There’s been a few issues with the tower in Hong Kong. A meeting is scheduled next week-”

“I need to be there, don’t I?”

“It is your tower…”

“Hopefully not for long. Maybe I can bring Morgan. Make it more interesting,” Tony teases.

“I don’t recommend it.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“You better go. Steve is probably wondering where you are.”

“He knows.” Tony sighs and rises to his feet. He picks up the car seat and Pepper walks him out. “Thanks for listening, Pep. It helped.”

“That’s why talking is good. Now go talk to your husband,” Pepper says.

Tony nods. He just hopes Steve is willing to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Tony is just stressed. That's no excuse for the things he said of course, but it's taking a toll on him too. I just feel for this little family. It will get better...eventually.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how I said it was going to get worse? Yeah...this is it. 
> 
> WARNING! This chapter contains descriptions of suicidal thoughts. If it is triggering in any way please don't read it. I'd rather you back out now and go watch cute cat videos or something. It was hard for me to write since I struggled with postpartum depression for a while and had similar thoughts. And if you are struggling please reach out and get help. You are loved and you matter!
> 
> That's all I wanted to say.

The apartment is quiet when Tony returns. If he didn’t ask FRIDAY beforehand if Steve was still home he would have assumed Steve had left again. He honestly wouldn't blame him if he did. They’ve gotten into a lot of nasty fights in the past but this one was taking the number one slot.

And it’s all Tony’s fault.

He knew better than to aggravate and push Steve’s buttons, and yet that’s exactly what he did. Steve was in a delicate state of mind; anything was going to set him off. Tony knew this and still decided to push and push until Steve had no choice but to blow up.

They needed to talk. They need to sit down and be honest with each other, lay everything out instead of keeping it bottled in. That was the root of the problem. It would be easy to blame Steve’s depression or the stress brought on from having a new baby, but the reality of it all was the lack of communication between them. Talking had never been one of their strong suits. It took awhile for them to get where they were now, and Tony wasn’t about to let them take any steps back.

The ring is still on the kitchen counter. It’s a painful reminder of their latest fight. Not once has Steve ever taken his ring off. No matter how bad past arguments had been, the ring never came off.

Tony takes the ring and slips it into his pocket.

He lays Morgan down in her crib and makes sure she’s comfortable before heading to the master bedroom. The door is open, giving Tony a perfect view of Steve. He’s sitting on his side of the bed, back hunched over and hands playing with something Tony can’t quite see. It’s not until he steps further into the room does he realize the object in Steve’s hand is the bottle of pills.

Steve hears him come in and their eyes meet. Tony doesn’t miss how shiny and red they appear.

“Here.” Steve holds out the bottle. “Take them. They don’t work anyway.”

Tony sighs heavily and takes the few steps toward Steve. He takes the bottle and studies it for a second before handing it back.

“I never should’ve said that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of it.”

“It’s okay if you did. I guess in a way you were right. I can’t handle our daughter sometimes. I thought having a baby would be this...incredible experience. And believe me I love that little girl more than anything in this world, but this...Tony, it’s this part I can’t handle. I don’t understand why I feel or say the things that I do. But I’m trying to get better.”

“I know.” Tony nods and takes Steve’s hand, brushing his thumb over the naked finger. “I love you so much, and I’m sorry for hurting you by being an idiot and saying those stupid things. I don’t want us to fight anymore. We need to stick together, right?”

Tony pulls out the ring and it places it over Steve’s finger, just like he had done on that day when he vowed to love Steve for the rest of his life.

“I love you, Steve. I loved you before this and I love you now. I’ll always love you. I can’t truly understand how you’re feeling, but just know I’m here no matter what. I don’t want to lose you. You and Morgan are the only things that matter to me.”

“I don’t want to lose you either,” Steve admits. His eyes glisten with fresh tears and a few roll down his face. “I don’t want to lose me. But I am, Tony. I feel like I’m not myself anymore and I don’t know how to get the old me back.”

“He’s there. The old Steve is still there. I know it doesn’t seem like he’s ever coming back, believe me I wonder about it sometimes myself, but he’s there. Hey, look at me,” Tony urges when Steve tries to turn away. Tony cups Steve’s face in his hands, forcing their eyes to lock again. He gently brushes away the tears that don’t stop falling. “It’s okay. You’re going to get out of this. I don’t care how long it takes, but I’ll do whatever I have to. I’m not going to lose you. I need you. Morgan needs you.”

Steve releases a small sob and Tony pulls him close, wrapping him in his arms and allowing him to cry into his chest. He cradles Steve’s head, fingers gently running through his hair.

They don’t speak.

Tony holds onto Steve while he cries. Steve clings to him tightly, fingers digging into the soft fabric of his shirt and staining it with his tears. Tony witnessed Steve cry before, but this time was different. He can finally see the pain and suffering Steve was battling on a daily basis, and it killed him inside. Steve was hurting and deep down Tony didn’t know how to help him.

But he wasn’t going to give up. He wanted Steve to be himself again, he wanted him to be happy and enjoy life again. That Steve was still in there. It was just going to take some time to get him back.

* * *

It was obvious by the look on Steve’s face that he wasn’t pleased with Tony. The meeting regarding the issues in Hong Kong wasn’t something Tony could get out of-Pepper wouldn’t allow it even if he begged her. He was thankful he didn’t have to travel to the tower; a virtual meeting would suffice until Tony could find the proper time to pop in for a visit. But Steve still refused to wipe that frown off his face.

“I’m sorry,” Tony apologizes for what feels like the hundredth time. And that was just since this morning. He had to be at SI for the meeting in an hour and if he was even a minute late Pepper would have his head. Steve doesn’t appear as upset as he did on the day Tony first broke the news, but it was clear that he was still annoyed. “I’ll be back later,” Tony assures as he straightens his tie. He sneaks a glance in the mirror, meeting Steve’s eyes.

“I know.” Steve huffs and leans against the doorframe of the bathroom and folds his arms over his chest. “I just wish you didn’t have to go.”

This time Tony turns himself to properly look at Steve. He doesn’t spot any obvious signs of his depression, but he still can’t help but feel hesitant to leave him. He can’t shake the feeling. He reminds himself that Steve was making significant improvement. The support group was helping him cope with the pent up feelings and the pills...well, they needed to be upped a dose.

It seemed to be working though. At least, Steve would say they were anyway. Tony had to believe him.

“Maybe I can cancel-” Tony begins only for Steve to cut him off.

“No, you need to go. I’ll be fine. Morgan and I can...I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.”

“She does like putting her fingers in her mouth.”

Steve smiles softly. “Yeah she does. I think she’s trying to put her toes in too.”

“She didn’t get that from me,” Tony teases. He turns away to finish up with his tie. He gives up when Steve comes over to assist. “I almost had it.”

Steve’s lips curve into a small smile. He works quietly on tying the tie, and once finished, he runs his fingers over it to smooth out any wrinkles. “Don’t be late. I was thinking maybe dinner and if Morgan falls asleep early…”

Tony can’t help but smirk. “A romantic dinner and possibly dessert afterwards? Darling, I’d never be late for that.”

Steve chuckles lightly. He gently pulls on the tie until Tony is close enough for him to connect their lips. Tony was expecting a quick kiss goodbye, but instead Steve is kissing him passionately.

It leaves him breathless and wanting more.

“What was that for?” Tony asks once they break apart.

“Just a preview of tonight,” Steve smirks.

Tony wants to cancel the meeting right then and there and spend the whole day with his husband and daughter, but he can already picture the disapproving look on Pepper’s face. At least he had something to look forward to once the meeting was finished.

“I love you,” Tony says before leaning in for another kiss. This time it’s slower, but the passion and love is still there. “And I won’t be late,” he adds once they break apart. “I’ll be here and then you and I will have a nice, romantic evening.”

Steve hums in delight. “Sounds good. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Good.” Tony pecks Steve on the lips. “I gotta go. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

For once everything feels right. Steve was happy and planning a special evening for them. Maybe this was the time they had been waiting for. Maybe that storm that has been lingering for too long was finally passing.

* * *

Dinner is on the stove and the table is set. It had been a while since the dining table had been used for eating, usually its purpose was a storage space. For weeks Steve had been wanting to eat there, but with a new baby and work, they always ended up eating downstairs with the team or from the comfort of the sofa. Tonight that was going to change.

Steve wasn’t perfect, he knew this, but he couldn’t help but want a perfect evening. He prepared Tony’s favorite dish and brought out the good bottle of wine. Dessert was planned for later, and that was something that definitely couldn’t falter. It’s been too long since they’ve been able to do anything like this.

He blames himself.

He’s the reason why they can’t go out anymore; why they don’t get intimate; why they fight. He was the reason for all of the negativity. If he could just stop beating himself up over every little thing then maybe they could go on more dates. If he would stop hating his appearance then maybe they’d kiss more and have sex. If he would stop getting angry and losing control then maybe they wouldn’t fight anymore.

He’s trying. He’s trying so hard to make things right and get back to where they used to be. Where _he_ used to be.

Since having Morgan his life turned upside down and not for the reason he thought it would. He loved her more than anything, and yet a part of him wondered why he bothered having her if he was only going to hurt her.

The moment he learned of her existence was the day he vowed to protect and love her for as long as he lived. But when she came, that promise he made was broken. He had only kept part of it.

He doesn’t mean to hurt the ones that he loves. That’s the last thing Steve ever wanted to do. His family and friends always came first. They were the ones that always mattered more than himself.

That voice tries to taunt him, mocking him when he smiles proudly at the dinner he’s worked hard on. He tunes the voice out. Everything had to be perfect.

“Friday, what’s the time?” Steve asks the A.I. He works on finishing the last bit of preparation while he waits for her to respond.

“The time is currently 5:10 PM. Mr. Stark has also sent you a message.”

Steve frowns. “Let me guess, to apologize for being late?”

“Yes, Captain. He promises to make it up to you. Would you like to reply?”

“No. I’m busy. He’ll be here when he gets here I guess.”

_He won’t show up. He doesn’t care._

The voice is back, forcing Steve to stop in his tracks and pause his dinner preparations. He grips the knife in his hand tightly, taking deep breaths to calm himself. He wasn’t going to listen. That voice was wrong.

_He doesn’t care about you. You’re nothing._

Steve squeezes his eyes shut. He can’t listen.

_No one cares about you. No one loves you._

Steve doesn’t even realize he’s crying until his vision blurs and he feels wetness on his cheeks. He wipes the tears away with the sleeve of his sweater and sniffs. He pushes those negative thoughts aside and continues cutting the vegetables for dinner.

But those words echo in his mind. No one cared about him. No one loved him.

The sound of Morgan’s cries reaches his ears, distracting him from the battle he was having with himself. He sets the knife down and wipes his hand clean with a dish towel before making his way upstairs to get her.

She’s wide awake and fussing in her crib, kicking her legs and flailing her arms. Her face is red and scrunched up, her cheeks already stained with tears.

“Shh.” Steve shushes her softly and gently takes her into his arms. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You’re hungry, aren’t you?”

He cradles Morgan in his arms and carefully lowers himself in the rocking chair. He doesn’t struggle anymore when it comes to feeding her and he’s able to get her calm and latching on in a matter of minutes.

“There you go. You were just hungry. You’re always hungry, huh?” Steve chuckles. He gently strokes her hair while she eats, smiling when she peers up at him. She lays a tiny hand against his chest. “Daddy will be home soon. I know you miss him.”

Morgan continues to stare up at him. Steve’s smile grows brighter. He couldn’t get over how perfect she was. His heart fluttered every time she looked at him.

“I love you so much. You know that, right? I know sometimes...it doesn’t seem like it but I promise I love you more than anything. I’m going to get better okay? I may not be a perfect father but I’m trying.”

_You’re not good enough for her. You’ll never be enough._

Steve keeps his eyes on his daughter’s, hoping she would be enough to distract him from those tormenting thoughts.

“I love you, sweetheart.”

_She doesn’t love you._

“You mean so much to me.”

_You mean nothing._

“I’m trying okay? I’m trying so hard-”

_It’s not enough. Just give up._

“I-”

_No one loves you. No one cares. Give up. Give up. Give up._

The voice gets louder and louder, repeating those two words until it’s all Steve can hear. Morgan is still looking up at him, but it’s not enough. He needs Tony.

But Tony’s not here. Tony was late and he promised he wouldn’t be. Maybe the voice was right. Maybe no one did care. Maybe he didn’t matter.

He should give up.

“I’m sorry, Morgan. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I’m not enough. I’m...nothing. I’m sorry.”

Once Morgan has had her fill, Steve burps her then he takes her to the changing table to clean her up. He dresses her quickly.

“I’m taking you to Auntie Nat okay? She’ll take care of you.”

Morgan doesn’t fuss when Steve straps her into the car seat. He lays a blanket over her tiny form then rushes around the room to grab her diaper bag. He doubles checks the contents and adds a few more items, then he takes Morgan downstairs.

He shuts the stove off. He glances at the knife he left on the counter, and a thought crosses his mind. He shakes his head quickly at that thought.

He can’t do that.

_Do it. No one cares._

Steve rushes to get the car seat when Morgan starts to cry. He soothes her and adjusts the blanket around her, then he’s leaving the apartment.

It only takes a few knocks before Natasha is opening her door. The smile she greets him with never failed to put one on his face in the past, but even she can’t help him now.

Her smile falters immediately. “Steve? What’s wrong?”

He must still be crying. “Nothing,” he’s quick to assure. “I’m just...I need a moment. I can’t…”

“It’s okay. Come in.”

“No, it’s okay. Can you take her? Just for a bit? I need a moment. Please, Nat?”

“Of course. Where’s Tony?”

“He’s on his way. I’m sorry to do this but I can’t right now.”

Natasha frowns. “Steve, what’s going on?”

Steve takes a shaky breath. His eyes burn with fresh tears. He wants to confess how he feels and the thoughts he’s been having, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He doesn’t want to be a burden anymore. They don’t deserve to suffer because he’s a failure.

“I’m okay. I’m just trying to get dinner ready and...I’m sorry.”

“I get it. I’ll watch her. It’s okay.”

“Thank you. Nat, you don’t know how much I appreciate this. Everything you’ve done for me...thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re an amazing friend.”

“You're an amazing friend, too. Steve, are you sure you’re okay?” Natasha questions.

“Yeah.” Steve nods and he passes Natasha the car seat. “She already ate and she’s clean. If you need anything Tony will-”

“You’re not picking her up?”

“Tony can get her. It’s okay.”

“Oh.” Natasha’s frown deepens.

Steve nods again and he turns his attention to Morgan. She’s still awake and playing with her fingers. He smiles and gets down on one knee to be at her level. He reaches for one of her hands, chuckling when she grasps his finger.

“I love you, Morgan. I’ll always love you. Be good okay?” Steve leans in to press a kiss to her head. “I’m sorry,” he whispers against her hair.

Steve straightens up and wipes at his nose. Natasha is still watching him warily. He doesn’t have the heart to tell her that he’s leaving. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

“Thank you again,” Steve tells her. “It means a lot.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you. You know that, right? If you ever need me, for anything, I’m here. You mean a lot to everyone, Steve. I hope you know that.”

“Yeah. I have to go.”

Natasha sets the car seat down and wraps Steve into a hug. “I’m here for you. I love you.”

Steve nods and holds her close. “I love you, too.”

They eventually break apart. Steve doesn’t miss how shiny her eyes appear. He sends her a small smile, hoping it’s enough to reassure her.

“I’ll see you later okay?” Natasha says.

Steve nods his head even though he knows they won’t be seeing each other again. “Okay.”

He gives his friend and daughter one last look, then he’s turning away and heading back in the direction of his own apartment.

He argues with himself the whole way there, trying to convince himself to not follow through. But that voice wiggles its way back in and talks him out of it. It reminds him of how worthless he is. He was nothing. He was never going to get better. He might as well just give up.

So he does.

Dinner is forgotten. The food is getting cold. He doesn’t care. None of it mattered anymore.

He doesn’t take the knife like he originally considered. The little orange bottle beside the coffee pot is what captures his attention. Tony had said they weren’t working, and maybe they weren’t doing their job at easing his depression, but Steve was sure if he took just the right amount, that they would help in other ways.

With a shaky hand he takes the bottle and screws off the lid. He’s terrified. He wants to throw them down the drain. He wants to get better and not rely on them anymore. But everything he did to get better wasn’t working. He was never going to be himself again. The old version of him was lost forever.

_Take them._

Steve grips the bottle tighter.

_Take them._

He can end it all. No more pain. No more suffering. It would all be gone.

_Take them!_

Steve gives in. He listens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Steve. Tony better hurry home! Ugh this chapter was hard for me and I'm sorry if it was hard for anyone else. Hang on to that eventual happy ending tag, folks! It's there for a reason!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little on the short side. I wanted to get this one updated before focusing on other works that need my attention. Thank you so much for all the love and support! You guys are amazing and I love each and every one of you 😊 ❤️❤️❤️

Tony curses when he takes his eyes off the road and on the large numbers of the car stereo. He hadn’t meant to be late. The meeting ran a little longer than usual, but it was making a stop before home that made him late. It had meant to be a quick stop, but it somehow didn’t turn out that way.

He sneaks a peek at the bouquet of flowers sitting on the passenger side seat. It was meant as a sweet gesture, something to cheer up his husband, but instead it was probably going to do the opposite. Steve was going to be furious with his tardiness. He had promised that he wouldn’t be late for their plans, and he hadn’t kept that promise.

“Please don’t be mad,” Tony mutters to himself. He turns his attention back on the road, a curse leaving his lips at the rows of cars he’s greeted with. He wonders if he should’ve brought the suit with him. He would be home by now if he did.

He drums his fingers on the steering wheel as he waits, an exasperated sigh leaving his lips when the traffic barely moves. He sends a quick message to Steve, hoping FRIDAY would relay it if Steve was too busy to answer.

He doesn’t get a response back. It doesn’t bother him. He knew Steve was busy.

“Should’ve worn the suit,” Tony sighs when the traffic moves only to come to a halt a few minutes later. “Definitely should’ve worn the suit.”

There’s still no response from Steve; it’s concerning. Tony tries not to think too much about it. He knew Steve was probably preparing dinner or caring for their daughter.

Just thinking about the two people he couldn’t live without puts a smile on his face. They meant everything to him and he couldn’t imagine being in a world that didn’t have them in it. They were the reason he got out of bed every morning. It was Steve who held them all together; he was the glue of their family and without him, they would fall apart.

Tony is snapped out of his thoughts when the car behind him honks. He hadn’t realized the traffic was moving at a faster rate and there was now a large gap between him and the car in front. Tony moves forward, pleased to find that the heavy traffic was clearing. He still would be late, but not as late as he originally thought.

Hopefully Steve wouldn’t be too upset with him.

“Hey, Fri? Call-”

“Sir, you have an incoming call from Ms. Romanoff,” FRIDAY interjects.

“Huh.” Tony can’t help but frown. Natasha wasn’t one to call frequently. Usually her random calls were due to an emergency. “Put her through.”

“Tony, where are you?” Is the first thing Natasha says once they’re connected.

“Why hello to you, too.”

“Tony, I’m being serious right now. Where are you?”

“Hey, hey relax. I’m on my way. Why? You miss me?”

He can hear her sigh on the other end. “Have you talked to Steve?”

“Not since earlier. Why?”

“I don’t know. He dropped Morgan off and I haven’t heard from him since-”

Morgan’s cries can be heard in the background and Natasha tries to calm her down.

“Wait, he dropped Morgan off?" Tony asks over his daughter's screams. "When? Why?”

“I don’t know. He said he was making dinner and then you’d pick her up. Tony, he’s not answering. I-”

A new alert is coming through. It’s from Steve.

“Hang on. He’s calling.”

Tony quickly switches over the call. “Hi, honey. I’m sorry I’m running late but I can assure you I’ll be home in-”

He hears a sniff. Is Steve crying?

“Steve? Honey-”

“T-Tony? Tony, where-where are you?”

“I’m on my way home, dear. Meeting ran a little longer than- are you okay?”

“I need you to come home. Tony, please, I-I need you...I can’t…”

“Steve. Steve, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t-I can’t. Tony, I can’t d-do this. I can’t. I can’t.”

“Do what? Hon, I can’t help you if you don’t-”

A sob can be heard.

“I can’t do this anymore. It hurts. Tony, it hurts.”

“Dammit,” Tony mutters under his breath. He presses a little harder on the accelerator. “Steve, listen to me. I’m almost home. I’ll be there. Just like I promised. But I need you to calm down. Can you do that for me?”

There’s silence.

“Steve? Steve, are you the-”

“I can’t. I’m tired, Tony. I’m so tired. I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything. I never should’ve left. I'm sorry. But I'm almost-"

Steve lets out another sob. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what! Steve, listen to me. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever that voice is telling you to do, don’t listen. Just listen to me. Can you do that? Honey, I need you to say something.”

Another sniff.

“It hurts. I just want it to go away. I need it to go away.”

“I can help you. Just listen to me okay? Listen to me. Don’t do it. Whatever you’re planning, don’t do it. Think about Morgan. Think about her, Steve. She needs you. I need you.”

“No one needs me. I’m sorry, Tony. I love you. I’m sorry.”

“Steve? Steve!”

The connection ends.

* * *

Tony’s never ran so fast in his life. The moment he pulled up to the compound, he hadn’t stopped running. All he could think about was getting to Steve. All that mattered was making sure he was okay.

He relied on FRIDAY to keep him updated, and it wasn’t until she mentioned alerting medical personnel did Tony lose his composure. He didn’t want to believe that Steve had done anything to harm himself. That wasn’t Steve; he would never do that. At least, that’s what Tony wanted to believe. Steve was different now. He wasn’t the same.

Upon arriving home, he’s greeted with a quiet apartment. Evidence of dinner remains on the stove, filling the apartment with delectable aroma. It goes ignored.

“Steve!” Tony calls out as he makes his way up the stairs. The first room he checks is Morgan’s, only to find her room empty. A few of her belongings are scattered around the room, proof Steve had been there at some point. Tony keeps looking.

He moves quickly through the rest of the apartment, his heart pounding loudly in his chest.

_Please be okay. Please be okay._

The door to the master bedroom is slightly ajar. Tony stops when he comes to it, his stomach twisting into knots. He’s almost afraid of what he’s going to find once he pushes the door open. He slowly presses the door forward. Then he sees him.

He immediately recognizes Steve’s shoe and he rushes over, finding the rest of him lying face down on the floor.

“No. No, Steve, no.” Tony drops down to his knees besides Steve’s limp body, taking him into his arms and cradling him close. He quickly checks for a pulse, panicking when he can’t find one. “No. No, Steve, don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”

Tony releases a sob and brings Steve closer, pressing his lips against his soft hair and inhaling the familiar scent. Tears are flooding his eyes and the dam breaks, those tears free and flowing down his face.

“Please,” Tony begs. “Please. I need you. I need you.”

“Sir,” FRIDAY’s voice reaches his ears. “Medical personnel are on the way. ETA two minutes.”

Tony chokes back another sob. “Tell them to hurry! Please!” He orders.

He doesn’t hear if FRIDAY passes on the message, all of his attention is on the lifeless form of his husband. Tony holds Steve tightly, begging him not to go, not to leave him or their daughter.

“Please. I love you. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.”


	11. Chapter 11

Tony can’t get the scene of Steve lying lifeless on the floor out of his head. It will probably always be there, haunting him for the rest of his life. It’s a visual he never pictured before, one he never wanted to see. The one thing Tony hated was seeing Steve hurt or in pain. The one thing Tony feared was losing Steve. He couldn’t live without him, Steve was his whole world. A life without Steve wasn’t a life Tony wanted to live.

It’s becoming difficult to sit still and wait for updates from the doctor. He’s grateful he has the resources and a team of medical professionals to aid him. If it weren’t for them...Tony can’t even begin to imagine what would’ve happened.

He’s not alone. Sam and Bucky were the first to greet him downstairs in the medical bay, followed by Bruce. Natasha had been on her way with Morgan, but Tony had advised her to stay behind. A part of him wants to see his daughter and hold her close, but the other part is torn. He knows seeing her will only crush him. She was losing Steve, too.

Tony’s turned to pacing the small waiting area outside of the room Steve was rushed to. His eyes glance in the direction of the shut door every few minutes, silently praying for it to open and for him to be allowed to see his husband. But he’s not granted the request.

He tears his eyes away and snaps his head up when he hears a familiar cry. Natasha is coming toward them with the carseat in one hand and the diaper bag slung around her shoulder. Her eyes are red and slightly puffy; she’s been crying.

Tony moves toward her, his gaze falling on his fussy daughter. He wonders if she’s upset from being disturbed from a nap or if she can sense the energy in the room. Tony gestures for Natasha to sit in the seat he had been occupying earlier; he’s not going to be needing it anymore.

“I told you to stay,” he tells her. Natasha nods and works quietly on freeing Morgan from the carseat. Once she’s unstrapped and in her arms, Natasha gently passes her into Tony’s. She’s immediately calmer.

“She wanted you,” Natasha says with a small smile. She sniffs and wipes at her eyes. “How is he?”

All eyes are on Tony now. Everyone else had asked that same question before Natasha had arrived, but Tony didn’t have the answer then. He doesn’t have it now.

“I don’t know,” Tony says, his voice quiet. He keeps his gaze locked on Morgan’s face, taking in her shiny, dark eyes. She stares up at him, smiling that smile he can’t get enough of. She has Steve’s smile.

“What happened?” Bucky asks. He hasn’t moved from his seat since he first arrived, hadn’t spoken a word either. He stayed silent while Tony caught both him and Sam up to speed. He was broken and confused, that much Tony could tell. And he had every right to be. Steve was his best friend.

“I don’t know,” Tony repeats. “Everything seemed fine before I had to leave and then...I don't know. He-he called and...this is my fault. I never should’ve left.”

“No,” Natasha says and everyone turns toward her. “It’s mine. I knew something was wrong and I...I guess I didn’t want to believe that he would do this. It’s not like Steve to-he wouldn’t do this.”

“That’s just it,” Bucky says and he sniffs. “That’s not Steve. It hasn’t been in months. And I guess I want to know why we didn’t fucking do anything about it.”

Sam places a hand on Bucky’s shoulder to calm him. “Hey,” he soothes. “It’s alright.”

“It’s not.” Bucky shrugs Sam off. “And I wish everyone would stop pretending that it was.”

“No one is pretending,” Bruce adds. “We all saw the signs.”

“And did nothing!” Bucky snaps and jumps to his feet. “Look at what happened because of us!” he gestures angrily at the door.

“Bucky-” Natasha is the next to try and console him, but he’s not having any of it and he storms off.

“I’ll check on him,” Sam offers and leaves in search of Bucky.

“He’s just upset,” Bruce says when he notices the look that crosses Tony’s face. “He’s not blaming-”

“He is,” Tony interjects. “He is blaming me. Hell, I’m blaming me. I should’ve done more. I should’ve stayed with him.”

“It’s not your fault, Tony,” Natasha assures. “Don’t blame yourself. We didn’t know how severe his pain was.”

“Didn’t we, though? You heard what Bucky said. We saw how different Steve was and we didn’t do anything, or at least not enough. I could’ve done more and instead he’s...well, you know how he is. I swear if I lose him…”

“You won’t.” Natasha rises to her feet and comes over. Tony would allow her to hug him if he didn’t have his daughter in his arms, but the soothing circles she rubs over his shoulder was enough. “Let me,” Natasha holds out her arms and Tony places Morgan into her arms. “You need to sit down, Tony.”

Tony shakes his head. “I can’t. I need to make sure-”

“You will. Sit down.”

Tony lets out a sigh of defeat and takes the chair he was occupying earlier. Natasha takes the one beside him, and softly speaks to Morgan, smiling at her and whispering that everything was going to be okay. Tony needs to turn his head away, not wanting to show his friends the tears that have gathered in his eyes.

He can’t imagine not having Steve. He can’t imagine both himself and Morgan having to carry on without him. Steve was their rock, the sticky glue that kept them together. Steve needed to be in Morgan’s life, he needed to be there when she took her first step and when she said her first word. He needed to be there for her first day of school, when she graduates college, when she meets someone, when she gets married and starts her own family. Steve couldn’t miss any of that.

Tony chokes back a sob, the sound reaching the ears around him. He gets up quickly from the chair, grateful when he’s not followed. He stops once he reaches the elevators and he leans against the wall, releasing the emotions he’s had pent up inside. He buries his face into his hands, muffling the sobs. His body shakes, his legs can’t hold him up anymore and he slides down the wall until he’s hitting the floor.

The pain is unlike anything he’s ever felt. It didn’t compare to the time when he lost his parents; not even close. It was a different kind of hurt. Not that he didn’t grieve when he lost his parents, but it had been Steve that saved him from his pain. It had always been Steve.

“Please.” Tony begs to anyone who’s listening. “Please don’t take him. Please.”

He’s not sure how long he stays in that spot, and it’s not until he hears the elevator does he snap his head up in its direction. The doors open and a familiar face greets him. He didn’t expect Peter to be here and he wonders if Natasha had contacted him. Or maybe it was FRIDAY. She knew how much Peter meant to him.

“Mr. Stark?”

At the sound of his name Tony is wiping away the proof from his crying. It’s obvious Peter knows, but he doesn’t call him on it, and instead he’s coming over and sitting down beside him on the floor.

“FRIDAY told me…”

“I figured. You didn’t have to come all the way out here, kiddo.”

“I wanted to. You and Mr. Rog-Steve, you guys are like...family. I see you as my dads or something and-sorry that’s weird to say.” Peter’s face is beet red at this point and he wraps his arms around himself.

Tony smiles softly at the confession. He places a hand over Peter’s shoulder and squeezes the area gently. “You’re a good kid, Pete. And it’s not stupid. I see you as a son. I know Morgan loves you and you’d make a great big brother.”

Peter smiles. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

His smile is faltering and Tony knows what’s coming next.

“Is Steve- is he okay? He’s not...you know…”

Tony swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat. “He was but they revived him, or maybe it was the serum. But he’s...I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything.”

“Oh. I hope he’s okay. I don’t want him to…”

“Me, too.”

A beat and then.

“Hey, Mr. Stark? He’ll get better, right? I don’t know much about postpartum depression, but I think he’ll beat it. He’s Captain America. I mean, he can beat anything!”

Tony smiles sadly. His husband was strong and overcame a lot in the past. But this time seemed different, this time he gave up the fight. He was broken.

“He can do it,” Peter assures and he turns his head toward Tony. “He can. He’s-he’s got this.”

“Yeah.” Tony lets out a sigh and rests his head back against the wall. He squeezes his eyes when tears threaten to fall. He doesn’t want to cry, especially not in front of the kid. Peter didn’t need to see him so broken.

No more words are spoken after that. Being near the other is enough.

“Tony?” Bruce’s voice breaks through the quiet and both Peter and Tony peer up at him. He’s fiddling nervously with his fingers, but there’s a hint of a smile on his face. Tony immediately jumps to his feet and Peter follows. “He’s stable now. They said you can see him,” Bruce informs.

Tony rushes back to the room.

* * *

There’s a sense of relief knowing that Steve was pulling through. He was a fighter, always has been and always will be. But that doesn’t change the fact that he had been ready to give up. It was out of character for him to surrender and accept that there wasn’t any other way. Steve had been knocked down in the past but he’s always gotten back up with raised fists. This time, he stayed down and kept his arms to his side.

Tony stays by Steve’s side, holding his hand and softly rubbing his thumb along his knuckles. Steve hasn’t shown any signs of waking up, but at least he was still alive. He was given another chance, another opportunity to keep fighting.

The rest of the team hasn’t come in yet. They wanted to give Tony space and time to be alone with Steve before paying a visit. A part of Tony wishes Morgan was with him. Maybe she would be enough to coax Steve awake.

“I love you,” Tony whispers. His eyes are full of tears again and now that he’s alone, he lets them fall freely and roll down his face. He reminds himself that Steve was alive, but seeing him lying motionless in a hospital bed is still difficult to witness. This never should’ve happened. “I’m so sorry. Steve, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Tony hangs his head, quiet sobs escaping him. He wishes he could go back and do things differently. Leaving Steve alone, especially when he was in a sensitive and fragile state of mind was Tony’s mistake. His biggest was not paying more attention to the signs earlier.

Steve stirs and Tony snaps his head up, eyes trained on Steve’s face, searching for any indication that he was truly waking up or if tt was just a fragment of his imagination. Then Steve is squeezing his hand.

“Steve? Honey, it’s okay. I’m here,” Tony assures, squeezing Steve’s hand back.

A small groan leaves Steve’s lips and his brows crinkle in confusion. “T-Tony?”

“Yeah. I’m here, darling. I’m right here.”

Steve slowly turns his head in Tony’s direction and his eyes flutter open. Tony smiles; he thought he’d never look into those eyes again.

“Steve. Sweetheart, I’m sorry,” Tony apologizes, bringing their connected hands up to his lips and kisses Steve’s. “I’m so sorry. I never should’ve left.”

“It’s my fault. I didn’t listen to you...I listened to...it doesn’t matter.”

“It does. I wish I did more. I wish I listened better. You’re in pain and I...I did nothing. You’re here because of me and...I’ll never forgive myself. If I lost you-” A broken sob escapes Tony and he hangs his head again.

“Hey,” Steve soothes and Tony glances up at him again. His own eyes are just shiny. “This one’s on me.”

“I should’ve listened. You’re hurting and-and I didn’t do enough. I should’ve done more.”

“You did your best. I’m sorry I let you down.”

“Don’t ever blame yourself. The pain was too much and...that’s not your fault. I’m just glad you’re okay. I was so scared.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to promise I won’t do it again because I don’t know. Tony, I’m a mess. I don’t know if I can-”

“Hey. You won’t. I know you won’t.”

Steve lets out a shaky breath when the tears roll down his face. “I need help. I guess I thought the group and the pills were enough but...they’re not.”

“I’ll figure it out,” Tony promises. “I’ll figure out what you need and-”

“Tony, you know what I need. You know where I need to be.”

“No,” Tony shakes his head. “No. No I won’t lock you up. I won’t put you there. Steve, there’s other ways.”

Steve huffs. “Tony, there isn’t. I need to be monitored-”

“Morgan needs you.”

“And that’s why I have to do this. I’m not safe around her. What if I do something worse next time? What if...what if I hurt her, worse than I already have?”

“You won’t. Steve-”

“I can’t risk it, Tony, I can’t. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt that little girl. Please. Let me go. Let me get better.”

“There has to be something else. I-I can’t. I can’t do that to you. Let’s talk this through okay?”

Steve nods. “Okay.”

Tony brings Steve’s hand back up to his lips, kissing the soft skin and letting his lips linger for a while. He doesn’t want to let go, he never wants to leave Steve’s side. He thinks about the conversation they’re supposed to have, wishing they didn’t have to.

There had to be something else they could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for these two. All Tony wants to do is help Steve because he hates seeing him in so much pain, and poor Steve just sees himself as a risk. They will definitely get their happy ending with their beautiful baby girl! They deserve it!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I’m not gonna lie but this chapter is kinda sad. This whole story had been difficult but I swear they’re getting a happy ending!

Tony hadn’t intended for there to be any tension between when it came to discussing the future plans for dealing with Steve’s depression. They decided against the idea of talking it through with the team; this decision needed to be made without their input. Tony had disagreed at first, arguing that their friends should help them, but Steve was right, this wasn’t about them. It was about him and what was best for him. Even Tony didn’t have much of a say.

And he hated it.

He hated the idea of sending Steve away and locking him up in a place where he didn’t need to be. Steve just needed better therapy, maybe daily support groups instead of weekly. Something! Anything was better than Steve being placed in a facility.

“It’s my choice, Tony,” Steve says, and dammit he’s right. It is his choice. No one gets the final say but him.

Tony scoffs anyway and shakes his head.

Back and forth, that’s all they’ve been doing and have yet to meet in the middle. It’s no surprise, really. Finding common ground has always been a struggle for them.

It’s getting late and Tony wants to use the excuse that they go to bed and sleep on it, but it’s clear that Steve is determined to end this here and now. He’s not backing down. Tony wonders where this attitude was before. Maybe then they wouldn’t need to have a difficult discussion.

“I’m not throwing you in some place where you’re locked up and-”

“Tony, it’s not like that. And even if it was, it's something I need right now. Nothing else is working.”

“That is not something you need right now! Dammit, Steve, you’re just giving up. Why? Why now are you giving up? That’s not you!”

“I’m not giving up. I’ve tried everything and it didn’t work. Something needs to be done, and you know it, too.”

“Not that,” Tony shakes his head angrily. “I will not throw you away in-”

“You’re not!” Steve’s voice rises slightly. “You’re not,” he says again, this time a little calmer. “I need to do this. Look what I did, Tony. I tried to kill myself...and for a second I was successful.”

“The serum brought you back.”

“But if I didn’t have the serum you know I’d be dead right now. The point is, I hurt myself and I could easily do it again, or worse, to you or Morgan. And I can’t, Tony. I can’t do that.”

“Why won’t you let me help you? There’s other things you can try that won’t make you leave. Why can’t we try something else first?”

Steve sighs sadly and gets up from the bed, taking the few steps it takes to get to Tony. He places both hands over Tony’s shoulders, then drags them down so that they’re both gently fisting the material of Tony’s shirt. Their eyes meet, giving each other a glimpse of the pain found in them. Their pain isn’t the same.

Steve releases a shaky breath and his eyes squeeze shut. “I have to do this.”

“No,” Tony shakes his head and places his hands over Steve’s, taking them off his shirt and connecting their hands instead. Steve opens his eyes, revealing fresh tears. “I don’t want to lose you. Morgan...she needs you the most. You’re going to leave all of that behind.”

“I-I don’t want to. Believe me if I could I’d stay here, but I can’t. I need help, Tony,” Steve cups Tony’s face, smoothing his thumbs over each cheek. “I know you did your best, and it means so much to me, but this is something I have to do.”

“I just can’t lose you. I can’t. I almost did and-”

“Exactly. What if I had been successful? What if the serum couldn’t bring me back?”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.”

“I have to do this. It will be better for me and everyone in the long run. Just trust me.”

“And if it doesn’t-”

“Then we try something else.”

Tony lets out a sigh of defeat. “Okay.”

Steve smiles softly and pulls Tony close, holding him tightly and enjoying the comfort only he can bring. “It’s going to be fine.”

Tony doesn’t respond. He honestly doesn’t know if he believes Steve’s words. He can’t see everything being fine when Steve wasn’t here.

But it was Steve’s choice and Tony was going to support him no matter what. Even if it was going to kill him inside.

* * *

The sun is shining, its rays bright and warm against his skin. Birds are chirping in the trees; their tune is a little too happy for his taste. The grass is a vibrant green and there’s an array of planted flowers nearby, each bright and alluring to the eye.

Tony hates it. He hates all of it.

He hates the cheery atmosphere and the smiles on the staff they pass by. He hates that this was where Steve was going to be for the next few weeks. He hates that this is what their talk led to. It wasn’t fair.

He’s ready to put an end to this until he sees the look on Steve's face. It’s a look he thought he’d never see again. There was a glimmer of hope crossing his features as he took in the same scene as Tony.

Tony sags his shoulders, defeated. Steve has to stay.

“It’s just for a few weeks, right?” Tony asks as they walk together through the courtyard of the facility Steve has decided was suitable for him. Tony still begged to differ, but this was what Steve wanted and Tony needed to respect that.

“Just a few weeks,” Steve replies with a nod of his head. He’s carrying Morgan in his arms, wanting to relish this time with her before she and Tony left him. “I need this, Tony.”

Tony has to fight back the urge to protest. He stays silent instead as they stroll through the courtyard. There are others outside enjoying the fresh air and warm sun just like they were. Pretty soon it would just be Steve doing this. He’d be alone, or maybe, he’d make some friends during his stay. It would be good for him.

Tony still hates the idea.

“We need to check out your room,” Tony says after a few minutes of silence passes between them. Steve nods, a small smile forming over his face.

The room reminds Tony of a room you’d find at a luxury hotel. It’s walls are painted white and the floors are light colored hardwood. The queen size bed is neatly made with fresh white sheets and a matching duvet. There’s a small bathroom adjacent to the bed. A flat screen TV is mounted on the wall and a light gray sofa and matching armchair sit around it, resembling a small living room. On the opposite side of the room are white double doors that lead out into a small patio, perfect for when Steve wanted to enjoy a quiet night.

“Not bad.” Tony lets his eyes scan around the room, frowning at the thought of Steve having to call this place home when home was back with him and Morgan, back with their friends at the compound. This didn’t compare. “At least you have TV.”

Steve huffs out a laugh and moves toward the bed, taking a seat on the edge and letting out a heavy sigh. He glances down in his arms, smiling when Morgan peers up at him to show off her own small smile.

“She’s going to miss you like crazy,” Tony says, coming over to take the spot beside Steve. He tests out the comfort of the bed, frowning when it doesn’t even compete with the bed back home. The bed he now has to fall asleep in alone every night.

“I’ll miss her, too. But I’m allowed weekly visits.”

Tony makes a face at those words. Weekly visits weren't enough.

“I know how you still feel about me being here,” Steve says and Tony sighs. He had thought he was being discreet, but it was obvious Steve noticed the faces and comments he made about the place.

“I guess I’m just scared,” Tony admits. “I know you’ll be in good hands here but...I won’t be here and Morgan...she’s going to need you.”

“It’ll be fine,” Steve offers a smile of reassurance and slips one hand free so that he can take Tony’s. “I’ll get better and...and we’ll be okay. We’ll be happy.”

“I’m going to miss you like crazy. I’ve never really been apart from you…not like this.”

“It’s just for a while. We can still talk and visit.”

“True.”

“And I’m not locked away, not really. You...you went a little overboard,” Steve chuckles.

“What did you expect? I can afford the best and I hate to say it but this place is it. I’d do anything for you....even this I guess.”

“It’ll be okay. This is good for me. This is what I need.”

Tony doesn’t argue this time. As much as he’s against the idea, he can’t help but wonder if Steve was right. Maybe this is what he needs. He’s trying to look at this from Steve’s perspective. This place wasn’t a prison, a place where he was going to be confined. It was a sanctuary. It was a place where stress and anxiety didn’t exist. He could be happier here. He could find peace.

When it’s time for Tony and Morgan to go, Steve makes sure to hold their daughter close and make sure she knows how much he loves her.

“It’s just for a little while okay, sweetheart? I’ll be out of here soon and back home with you and daddy. Go easy on him okay? I love you so much, and I promise I’m going to do everything I can to get better because I want to be there for every milestone. I’m going to miss you so much. Don’t forget about me.” Steve leans down to press a kiss to Morgan’s head, letting his lips linger for a while.

“She won’t,” Tony says and Steve glances up at him, smiling softly. “She’s going to miss you and probably wonder where you are, but like you said, this will be good.”

Steve nods and directs his attention back on Morgan. He sniffs. “I don’t want to let her go. She’s my baby.”

“I know,” Tony moves closer until he’s standing near Steve. “She’s going to be here when you get out. We all will. And I promise we’re going to visit all the time.”

“Will you really visit? You promise I’ll see you?”

“Hey, look at me. I promise. I’m not going to leave you, ever. I’ll always be here, honey. And if that voice tries to tell you otherwise, don’t listen. Call me and I’ll stay up all night with you if I have to.”

Steve sniffs and nods again. “Okay.”

“I love you. You know that, right? I’m crazy about you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I love you, too.”

Tony takes Steve into his arms, careful not to hold him too tight and squish Morgan. He cradles Steve’s head, gently threading his fingers through the blond hair.

“I love you so much,” Tony whispers. Tears gather in his eyes and he struggles to hold them back. He needs to be strong. “You can get through this. You’re amazing. You’re strong. Keep fighting okay? And don’t forget how much Morgan and I love you.”

Tony pulls back slightly so that he can press a kiss to Steve’s forehead. Tears are running down Steve’s face, and Tony gently wipes them away. He kisses Steve softly on the lips.

He wishes he could stay longer and hold Steve, but it was time to go. Steve gives Morgan another kiss, then Tony is taking her into his arms.

“I guess this is it,” Steve says. He reaches up with one hand to wipe away the tear that rolls down his face. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me, too. But I’ll be here when you need me okay? And don’t feel guilty about this. Enjoy the peace and quiet.”

Steve chuckles. “I’ll do my best.”

Tony smiles. It falters quickly. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave Steve behind. But this had to be done. Steve needed this.

“We’ll visit all the time,” Tony promises and Steve smiles.

“I know. I believe you. I promise I’ll get better.”

“I don’t doubt you for a second.”

They walk toward the door and Tony stops. He can’t bring himself to leave. It’s like Steve can sense his hesitation because he’s pulling him close again and connecting their lips. The kiss is familiar; it’s one they share whenever one of them leaves the other. It’s a goodbye kiss with a promise behind it, a promise of them reuniting again.

When they break apart, they’re both crying. It’s Steve’s turn to wipe the tears from Tony’s eyes. He cups Tony’s face in his hands.

“I love you so much. I’m going to get better, I promise.”

“I love you, too. Don’t give up okay? We’ll be here waiting for you.”

It hurts when Tony leaves with just Morgan. She’s already asleep once he has her in the car. Tony’s eyes land on the large building, tears threatening to fall at the thought of Steve being in there alone. But this was good for him. This is what had to be done.

Tony gives the center one last look, then he slips on his sunglasses and drives away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I’m so sorry I haven’t updated this one in a long time. Endings are hard for me so I kind of pushed this one to the side until I could come up with an ending. Guess that didn’t work because I’m adding another chapter after this. Just an epilogue or something. This one mostly focuses on Steve’s progress and his time in the program. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this! Sorry for the wait!

The first night without Steve is the hardest. Despite Tony’s best efforts to keep Morgan comfortable, he couldn’t make her happy. She must know that Steve was missing. It was the only explanation Tony had.

She cried and fussed, refusing to be consoled. Tony pushed through it, reminding himself that it was just the two of them now. Morgan was going to need him more than ever.

He tries to follow the nightly routine by starting off with a warm bath. Morgan fought and screamed through the whole thing, not once finding any comfort in the soothing water and mild lavender scents. Getting her dried and dressed seemed to only upset her even more.

It’s not until he lowers himself in the rocking chair and puts a bottle to her lips does she quiet down. Tony breathes a sigh of relief and glances down at her, watching quietly as she nurses greedily from her bottle. Tony rocks back and forth in the chair, hoping the soothing motion and her warm bottle will help coax her to sleep.

It does the opposite.

She pulls off the bottle, her face scrunching up and small cries escaping her pouty lips. Tony shushes her gently and places the bottle back to her lips, sighing when she refuses to latch on. He wonders how Steve had done this.

Then it clicks. This was Morgan's time with Steve. Sure Tony had taken over feedings every now and then but it wasn’t the same when Steve would feed her. It was their bonding time.

“I know you miss him,” Tony tells his daughter. “I miss him too. But he’ll be back soon okay? I promise.”

Morgan’s cries die down and her dark eyes open, revealing the tears in them. Their eyes meet and Tony smiles down at her. He offers the bottle again and this time she takes it without a fuss.

“He’ll be back,” Tony continues to talk to her. He rocks gently again in the chair. “And we’ll be together again. He’s going to be so happy to see you. Hey maybe we can visit him…” Tony pauses and frowns. They’d have to figure out a time when they could go by the facility. Steve was only allowed weekly visits.

“We’ll figure it out,” Tony says. Morgan continues to stare up at him, finding comfort in the familiar voice. “Listen,” Tony sighs. “I don’t know how long papa is going to be away but...it’s just going to be you and me. I’m not him obviously. I know you’re annoyed with me because I’m probably doing everything wrong, but I’ll do my best. And then soon papa will be back and we’ll be happy again. Sounds good, right?”

Morgan’s eyes flutter and the nipple from the bottle loosens around her lips. Tony tries to remove it from her mouth, only for her to whimper and try to suck it back in. Tony smiles and let’s her nurse some more until her tummy’s full and she’s dozing off. He lays her down for the night and places a gentle kiss to the top of her head. He makes sure to leave the door open in case she needs him sometime during the night.

Sleep doesn’t visit him. Tony lies awake, staring at the ceiling above him, his thoughts running wild. All he can think about is Steve and the next few weeks. He didn’t know how long Steve was going to need. For all he knew it could take a week or a month or even longer. Tony couldn’t imagine Steve being gone for so long. But he reminds himself that it would be worth it. The old Steve would emerge and their little family would be happy again.

Tony rolls over, a heavy sigh leaving him at the sight of the empty spot beside him. He reaches out and lays a hand over the place Steve normally lies. It’s cold to the touch.

Tony sits up and grabs Steve’s pillow, then he leaves the bedroom and goes downstairs, deciding the couch would be more comfortable than the large empty bed.

* * *

The weekly visits become the highlight of Tony’s week. He’s only given a few hours with Steve, but he’d take what he could get before he’s forced to walk out the front doors and wait until he’s allowed back in.

Steve seems cheerful the morning Tony and Morgan stop by. His face lights up the moment he sees his daughter. Morgan doesn’t even fuss when she’s in his arms.

“She really misses you,” Tony says once they’re in Steve’s private room. Not much has changed since the last time Tony saw it. The only difference was the black sketch book sitting on the little nightstand beside Steve’s bed.

“I’ve missed her so much,” Steve says against Morgan’s soft hair and he presses a kiss there. He hasn’t let her go since Tony took her out of the car seat and handed her to him. He presses another kiss to her head. “She hasn’t been too fussy has she?”

“Not really. The first night without you was the worst, but we’re getting better.”

Steve smiles and gives Morgan another kiss. “She’s getting so big.”

“Yeah. How are you?”

Steve is silent for a moment.

“Fine,” he finally replies. His answer isn’t what Tony had been expecting. He thought Steve was going to express how much he loved the peace and quiet that came with his new home. But maybe it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies behind these walls.

“What’s wrong?” Tony asks. He doesn’t bother keeping any worry out of his tone, and he knows, just by one look, that Steve picks up on it. Steve shakes his head, refusing to elaborate. “Honey, what’s wrong? Is this place not good? I can get you moved-”

Steve shakes his head again, then he sniffs. He’s crying; it’s heartbreaking to see. Tony thought these days were behind both of them. Steve was supposed to be happy now, at peace on his road to recovery. But perhaps it wasn’t as cleanly paved as Tony thought it would be. The road was going to have some bumps along the way.

“It’s not this place,” Steve finally says. The tears continue to fall from his eyes and he frees one arm from around Morgan to reach up and wipe them away. “It’s fine. It’s just...I can’t be here. I can’t.”

Tony sighs sadly and rises to his feet, searching around the room for a tissue. He rushes into the bathroom to retrieve some of the toilet tissue. He returns and hands it to Steve.

“Why can’t you be here?” Tony asks.

“I miss home. I miss you and Morgan and all of our friends. But I know this is good for me, for us. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it was going to be,” Steve admits.

“I know.” Tony nods and takes his original spot beside his husband. He takes Steve’s hand and with his own, brushes away the tears that don’t stop falling. “But you’re so strong and I, and everyone else, knows that you can get through this. It’s not going to be easy and honestly, this sucks. I hate you being here while Morgan and are forced to pretend that everything’s okay. But you can’t give up. You promised that, remember?”

Steve takes a shaky breath. “Yeah. I’m trying, Tony. I’m doing everything they ask of me, but sometimes I wish I never did this. Sometimes I wish I had done things right.”

“This is what’s right. It’s hard, and believe me I wish I could bring you home right now...but this is going to work. This is going to help you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

Tony scoots closer until he’s close enough to wrap Steve in his arms. Morgan doesn’t protest from the closeness, and she coos in response. She must miss having both of them like this.

Pretty soon, she’d have them both back.

* * *

Steve is better the next time Tony visits. Morgan isn’t with him because she had a meltdown during the morning hours. She’s spending the day with Natasha, something Tony regrets the moment he tells Steve and catches the hurt expression on his husband’s face.

“She wasn’t having it,” Tony explains as they stroll together through the courtyard. There’s a slight chill in the air, providing the perfect excuse for them to walk close to each other.

“Ah.” Steve nods. “She’s good though, right? I’m sorry you have to do it all.”

“We’re fine. She’s smiling more and has officially fit her toes in her mouth.” Steve laughs at this, the sound bringing a smile to Tony’s face. It’s been so long since he’s heard that beautiful sound. “And she’s so smart. Tummy time is the best. I think I enjoy it more than she does.”

“I'm missing a lot, aren’t I?”

The change in Steve’s tone is difficult to ignore. Tony glances in his direction, reading his features carefully. The pain, though he was trying hard to conceal it, was there. Tony was sure Steve would have rid himself of some of it by now.

“Hey.” Tony interlocks their fingers and gives Steve’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “Morgan’s good. You’re not missing much.”

“But I am, Tony. Me not being there means I’m missing important milestones. What if I miss her first steps or first word?”

“You won’t. I promise you’ll be out of here soon. You’re getting better, Steve. You may not see it but I do.”

And it was true. During the next visit Steve shows improvement, and again after that one and the one after that. He’s smiling more, even laughs when Tony tells one of his lame jokes.

They talk about Steve’s new life and the friends he’s made during his stay. Steve shows off all of his new sketches. He’s happier. He’s finally at peace with himself

It’s not just Tony and Morgan who visit. Their friends stop by when they can. The visits aren’t as frequent, but Steve understands when duty calls.

Being away from Steve doesn’t get easier. The days pass slowly, and though Tony has his daughter to keep him sane, it’s not enough. A piece was missing, and Tony wasn’t sure when that piece would be coming home.

Morgan is getting bigger and smarter every day. It’s a shame Steve isn’t there to see it all. Tony hates being separated, but he hates the separation Morgan has to deal with. Steve was the first person she met; his voice was the first voice she’d heard. It was the sound of his heartbeat that lulled her to sleep. She needed him more than anyone.

“She’s getting so big,” Steve says during another visit. He reaches out for her, smiling brightly when Tony grants him permission and passes Morgan to him. “Hi, sweetheart,” Steve coos. He gets one in response.

Tony smiles at the scene and makes himself comfortable in one of the empty arm chairs. Steve continues to speak to their daughter, telling her all about his day and the Blue bird he saw during breakfast and the sketch he did of it later. Morgan smiles a toothless grin. It makes Steve laugh.

“You should see what she's doing now,” Tony says and rises to his feet to cross the room and grab the diaper bag from off the bed. He pulls out a fluffy blanket and sets it up on the hardwood floor. He pats the center of the blanket and Steve catches the hint, laying Morgan down on her stomach. Tony drops down to his own belly to be at her level, smiling when she lifts her head to meet his eyes. “Hey, Maguna. Wanna show papa what you’ve been doing?”

Morgan smiles again and her little legs kick out happily. Tony peers up at Steve and they share a look, then all attention falls on their daughter again. She keeps her eyes locked on the familiar face of her father for a moment, then she begins to rock from side to side until she’s rolling over onto her back.

Steve gasps and his gaze falls on his husband. They share a smile. “She’s...wow she’s already rolling over,” Steve says. There's a bit of hurt in his tone.

“Yeah.” Tony nods. “It nearly gave me a heart attack the first time she did it. Guess tummy time is working.

Steve sits down beside their daughter and leans down to kiss the top of her head. “I love you, sweetheart,” he whispers against her soft hair.

“You’ll come home soon,” Tony says and Steve peers up at him. He doesn’t miss the way his eyes fill with fresh tears. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll have the next chapter up as soon as I can. Maybe it can be a time skip or something, I don’t know. 🤷♀️ 
> 
> Thank you for being so patient and understanding! ❤️


	14. Chapter 14

The day Steve comes home, Tony’s world lights up again. The darkness was gone and in its place, a vibrant, warm light appeared. The missing piece was finally put in place, completing the picture that had been broken for months.

Steve was happier; Tony has never seen his husband so happy. The smile that appeared on his face when he first stepped through the front door of their apartment was one of the brightest Tony has seen in awhile. And the tears Steve cried had no hurt behind them. The pain was gone.

Tony had gathered all of their friends for a welcome home party. It’s not just Steve who sheds a few tears when he’s greeted by everyone. Bucky is the first to rush to him, which didn’t come as a surprise. Bucky was the one who probably felt the most guilty. Well, as far as friends go. Tony was always going to carry a majority of the guilt.

Steve appeared happy to see his friends again, but it was the sight of his daughter that had his eyes glistening again. Natasha brings Morgan over and Steve welcomes her with open arms. He holds her close, his body shaking with the sobs that he can no longer conceal. Tony has to blink back his own tears. He never realized how much Steve truly missed their daughter.

It’s evident that Morgan missed him more than he missed her. She stares up at his smiling face with her rich, brown eyes, and reaches up with one tiny hand to explore Steve’s cheek. Steve leans into her touch, his smile growing brighter. More tears begin to spill from his eyes and roll down his face, but even that’s not enough to force Morgan’s hand away.

They don’t separate after that. Steve doesn’t let her go, not even after the party has ended and they say goodbye to their friends. Tony wishes the party would have lasted a little longer, but they had the following day to start fresh with their friends by their side.

When Morgan grows fussy, Tony panics, terrified of Steve reverting back and spiraling out of control. But then Steve surprises him by calming Morgan down, talking softly to her and even humming a song Tony remembers Steve doing when Morgan was still in his belly. Tony doesn’t interrupt their moment, deciding to linger in the doorway of the nursery and give them their time to reconnect and make up for lost time.

Morgan’s cries taper down until they’re nothing more but soft whimpers. Steve is still talking to her as he paces around the room with her cradled in his arms. She never takes her eyes off of his.

“I missed you, sweetheart,” Steve tells her, his voice soft and soothing. It’s nothing like it used to be. There’s no anger or frustration in his tone; he appears happy to have her.

Steve takes her over to the rocking chair and carefully lowers himself down. He adjusts her, making sure she’s comfortable before he starts rocking back and forth.

“Leaving you was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I didn’t know how I was supposed to be away from you, but I knew I had to if I wanted to see you again. I’m sorry for what I did...for what I didn’t do. I promised to be a good father and I failed. I’m so sorry, Morgan. I’ll do better. I don’t want you to ever think that I never loved you because I always have, and always will.”

Steve brings Morgan close and places a kiss to her forehead. He allows his lips to linger against her soft skin, almost as if he’s afraid he’d never get a chance to kiss her again. His body is wracked with sobs again, the sound heartbreaking to hear.

Morgan begins to whimper, the sounds rising in volume until they’re loud wails. Steve struggles this time around to calm her down. The cry she makes is easily distinguishable to Tony’s ears.

That’s when Tony steps in. “Hey,” he says.

Steve sniffs. “I think she’s hungry.”

Tony nods. “I’ll get a bottle.”

He moves quickly to get a bottle made, knowing if he were to hold off any longer Morgan would get harder to console. Tony’s back in a matter of minutes with a warm bottle. It’s almost as if Morgan can sense her next meal is near because her cries become more urgent.

“It’s right here, Maguna,” Tony assures. Steve holds her out, expecting Tony to take over and feed her, but Tony holds back. “This is your time.”

“But you feed her…”

“I did yeah but she wants you. This is your time, remember?”

Steve nods his head slowly. “Yeah.”

The moment the bottle is pressed to her lips, Morgan accepts it and eagerly begins nursing, filling the room with her suckling. Steve keeps his eyes locked on her face and their eyes meet again. He smiles down at her, but it’s not as bright as it was before. There’s sadness behind it.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Tony asks.

“This is...different. I’m so used to her being closer, pressed against me and now…” Steve’s eyes glisten with fresh tears.

Tony mentally scolds himself. Of course this would be hard for Steve. Nursing Morgan was his thing; it was an important job that only he could perform. It was more intimate. It was their bonding time.

“Do you think she remembers?” Steve asks.

“Maybe,” Tony replies. “She definitely noticed that first night you were gone. It was difficult but we eventually figured it out. I don’t know if you want to try breastfeeding again…”

Steve shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“Sure you can. There’s plenty of supplements on the market. We can work on getting your body back to-”

“No. I can’t. This...this is fine.”

“Okay.” Tony nods. He doesn’t want to push. Just because Steve was back home didn’t mean that he was back to normal. Steve was still delicate.

“I’m sorry.” Steve peers up at Tony with red-rimmed eyes.

“Nothing to apologize for, honey. I know this can’t be easy.”

“I’m glad to be home, I really am. But I’m scared. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t be good enough and I screw up again? I don’t want to hurt her or you. I’d never live with myself.”

“Steve,” Tony says softly and comes closer until he’s close enough to his husband to properly comfort him. He drops down on one knee in front of Steve and places a hand over his thigh, rubbing the area soothingly. “You’re going to be enough. She knows how much you love her. You wouldn’t have left if you didn’t care about her.”

“But I hurt her. I promised I wouldn’t and I did it, Tony. I hurt my baby.”

“You didn’t mean it. That wasn’t you, remember? That version of you doesn’t exist anymore, and she knows that. Look how happy she is now that you’re home. If you never came home…” Tony pauses, a shaky breath leaving his lips. He couldn’t even begin to imagine Steve not being around anymore. He thought their separation was difficult, and it was, but losing Steve for good would be worse. He was thankful Steve’s attempt at taking his life failed. He needed Steve. Morgan needed him more.

“I’m sorry,” Steve whispers. The tears are rolling freely down his face now. He looks broken again, nothing at all like he had been around their friends. He had been wearing a mask then and he’d probably continue to wear it until he was strong enough to remove it for good.

“Don’t. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. I’d never blame you. I’m sorry you went through all of that. I’m sorry you needed me and I couldn’t be there like I was supposed to. You told me you were drowning and I didn’t pull you up to the surface. I’ll never forgive myself. But I promise I’m here now. I’ll pull you up, and I’ll never let your hand go.”

Steve chokes back a sob and that’s when Tony wraps him in a hug. Steve buries his face into Tony’s chest, muffling his sobs and staining the front of Tony’s shirt. He apologizes over and over. Tony just holds him.

The three of them haven’t been this close since the day Morgan was born. Everything had been different then. They had just welcomed their little girl and had a new journey to embark on. They had never anticipated it to be easy, but they never imagined the devastating pain that awaited them.

It’s Morgan’s whimpers that force them apart. Steve adjusts the bottle and she’s latching on again, greedily taking her fill. Steve can’t help but chuckle at her eagerness.

“She’s a piglet,” Tony teases. That makes Steve laugh. It’s not the gut busting laugh he’ll let slip from time to time, but one day it will be. One day he’d laugh again until he cries. Tony couldn’t wait for that day.

“She’s perfect.” Steve smiles.

“Hey,” Tony says and Steve tears his gaze away from Morgan to lock with Tony’s. “You can do this. I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but you’ll find yourself again. I’ll be here every step of the way.”

“I know. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. I’d probably be dead.”

“Don’t say that. You’re not. You’re getting better.”

“I’m still scared.”

“It’s okay to be scared. I get that now. You’re this brave hero that will stop at nothing to make things right, and I guess I never thought you could break. But it’s okay that you did. It doesn’t make you less brave, or strong; it just means you’re human. We all have those days, and I never ever want you to feel ashamed about them. Just promise me you’ll tell me when it gets too much. I’ll be there.”

“I know. I’m so afraid, Tony. I want to be here with you and our daughter but-”

“Hey. You can do this. I promise you’re stronger than you think. I never could have done what you did. I’m not as strong as you.”

“And if I can’t do this?”

“You can. We can start over.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, but we will.”

“Am I worth all that?” Steve asks.

Tony doesn’t hesitate to respond. “You’re worth everything.”

* * *

It wasn’t going to be easy to start over, but it was the best choice. Steve was still fragile and it was difficult to say just how long he’d remain in that state. He was improving, growing stronger and stronger every day. Little by little more of himself was coming out.

The progress was slow and had a few bumps along the way, but it was worth the wait. Steve was laughing and smiling again, but most importantly, he was a father again. He never failed to show their daughter just how much she meant to him. She was his everything. She was his whole world.

Hanging up the shield was Steve’s idea. The duration of his hiatus was unknown. Perhaps one day he’d go back to being Captain America, but for right now he was content with just being Steve and a full time father. He had missed so much of Morgan’s life and he couldn’t bear to miss another second.

Tony decides to do the same and hang up his suit. The world would go on without him, but his family couldn’t. They were his world. They meant more to him than anything else.

It’s difficult to move out of the city and away from the only life they’ve ever known. Steve had been hesitant at first about leaving the compound and his old life, but then he came around to the idea and started looking forward to the future.

Their last day in their apartment is bittersweet. It’s almost unrecognizable with the array of piled boxes that litter the once put together space. They had made this place their home, but now they had a new home waiting for them. They’d build it from the ground up, just like they had done before.

Tony enters the apartment with a smile on his face and the keys to their new home in his hand. The first thing he hears is Morgan’s giggling followed by Steve laughing. The sound brings Tony to a halt. He hadn’t heard that sound in so long. Sometimes he wondered if he’d ever hear again.

He follows the laughter until he’s standing outside Morgan’s room. A majority of her belongings are already packed away and ready to be placed in the moving truck come tomorrow morning. Steve had made sure to keep her favorite toys unpacked and the blanket she curled up in every night.

Steve’s sitting cross legged in the middle of the room with Morgan. He’s helping her balance on her tiny legs and she giggles and bounces in delight.

Tony can’t help but smile at the scene.

“There’s my two favorite people,” Tony says when he enters the room. Morgan tries to turn at the sound of the familiar voice. Steve assists by turning her so that she can face Tony. Her face lights up. “Hi, Maguna. You having fun with papa?”

Morgan smiles and starts bouncing happily again.

“She almost said papa,” Steve informs. “We’re working on it.”

“She’ll get it. She’s a smart kid. I got the keys.” Tony holds up the set of keys and they jingle in his hand. Morgan’s eyes are immediately drawn to the shiny new object.

“Yay!” Steve cheers and Morgan giggles again when Steve kisses her cheek. “Daddy has the keys.”

“Yep!” Tony smiles. “This time tomorrow we’ll be in our new home.”

“It’ll be fine,” Steve tells Morgan, but Tony knows those words are meant for himself.

“Don’t worry,” Tony assures and Steve smiles softly. “Do you want me to take over?”

“Could you? I have to finish packing up our room.”

Tony opens up his arms. “Come here, squirt. It’s daddy’s turn.”

Morgan is placed in Tony’s arms and is greeted with kisses and hugs. Steve makes sure to give her a kiss on the head before stepping away to finish the packing.

His absence is immediately noticed. Morgan squirms in Tony’s arms, turning her head in search of Steve. She begins to cry.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Tony soothes. “Papa is coming back.”

“Pa-pa!” Morgan cries.

Tony gasps and calls out for his husband. Steve is back in an instant.

“What?” Steve asks, poking his head into the room. “What’s wrong?”

“She just said-”

“Pa-pa!” Morgan says again when she sees the person she’s been missing.

Steve’s face lights up. The smile that appears is one of the brightest, most vibrant smiles Tony has ever witnessed on his husband.

Steve rushes over and takes Morgan into his arms, holding her close to his chest and calming her down. “Shh. I’m here, sweetheart. I’ll never leave you again.”

Morgan rests her head on his shoulder, her cries dying down until they’re little hiccups. Steve continues to soothe her until the tears in her eyes have dried up.

“You’re so good at that.” Tony smiles.

Steve peers up at him. “At what?”

“At being her papa.”

That brings another smile to Steve’s face. “I’m trying.”

“I know. I’m so proud of you, honey. I knew you could do this.”

Tony moves closer to be near his little family. He wraps them in his arms, holding them close. It was a promise that he’d never let them go.

They still had a long and bumpy road ahead of them. The healing wasn’t over yet, and whatever awaited them, no matter how difficult the struggle may be, they’d overcome it. Together.

The storm was beginning to pass, and the clouds were opening up, revealing a bright, blue sky. The waves weren’t crashing over Steve. They weren’t forcing him down. He wasn’t drowning anymore.

He was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it you guys! I’m so sad it’s over but at the same time I’m happy to have accomplished this. It has been a struggle for these three and I’m glad they made it to the very end. This was a touchy subject to write about but I’m glad I did it. This definitely helped me with my own struggles. Just know if you’re ever having those bad days, you’re still loved and deserve all the happiness in the world. 😊 ❤️❤️❤️


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